Sex after babies
Part III-Troubleshooting for men
By Jenny Soudlenkov MNZCCA registered counsellor
It is not only women that can struggle to reclaim their sexual identity after having children. This article focuses on some of the challenges that men may experience during and after the transition into fatherhood and
One of the common concerns that men may face during sex particularly in the early postpartum period is the fear or impregnating their partner before they are ready or willing to expand their family which can affect arousal and the ability to orgasm. Stress and anxiety have a direct impact on a mans ability to both achieve and maintain a reaction and some men may encounter erectile dysfunction as a result of the intrinsic pressure they may be experiencing.
A phenomenon that I have encountered often with the male counterpart in the therapy room is what is known as the Madonna-whore complex which is somewhat complicated psychoanalytic theory pertaining to men’s sexual attraction. In a nutshell, the Madonna-whore complex theorises that men class women into two categories; the Madonna is the saint, the pure embodiment of a being that must be worshipped and loved and the whore; the desirable woman that he is lustfully attracted to. Whilst I must highlight that this does not happen within all relationships, it is a fairly common phenomena where the male partner idealizes and puts their wife (the Madonna) on a pedestal who they would not dare to desecrate and instead, turn their sexual needs towards pornogpraphy or an affair (the whore). The relationship between objectification and affection is a very complex one and the transition from one to the other may be confused with dwindling romantic chemistry or the feeling of “falling out of love”. What this may look like in practice is a man feeling deeper feelings of affection, adoration, love and respect for his wife as a result of carrying and birthing their child however their feelings of lust, desire and sexual attraction towards her diminish as he cannot identify her a sexual being that is capable of something so dirty and carnal as though sex is an activity that is beneath her. The dichotomy between being a sexual being and being a nurturing mother becomes mutually exclusive and it becomes difficult to reconcile both of these ideas and see the wife as someone who can oscillate between both of these roles. I must stress that this is an unconscious dynamic that most people are not aware of occurring until they unpack this in the therapy room.
Following the expansion of their family, when the mother’s attention and affection is mainly directed towards the child, men may experience a lack of validation and affection from their partner leading to feelings of loneliness and rejection. As the frequency of sexual activity may drastically decline following the introduction of children, the couple may feel “split” in their responsibilities towards their family with neither partner fully able to comprehend a day in the life of the other. For men, the pressure to financially provide and keep their family financially comfortable as well as coming from a long day only to be met with more demands may illicit feelings of unappreciation and feeling “unseen”. As mentioned in the previous article, women are more likely to have their needs of intimacy met within the relationship they share with their children which may result in the male partner feeling unwanted or unneeded.
So, what are the solutions to these common troubleshooting problems? The first thing I would recommend is practicing gratitude towards each other and making a concerted effort to ask and actively listen about each other’s day with the goal of building deeper appreciation, connection and understanding towards one another.
In regards to reigniting sexual intimacy, my suggestion is to carve out time together if possible for the sole purpose of connecting as a couple again and not just as parents. It can be challenging to see our partner as a spouse rather than as a parent if that is all that we are privy to. So, spending time together and engaging in new activities especially something that can raise adrenaline levels (a natural aphrodisiac) can help to enhance sexual connection. It is imperative for couples to retain a sense of togetherness as a unit that exists beyond just having children.