Part II- Troubleshooting for women
By Jenny Soudlenkov MNZCCA registered counsellor
Let’s turn our attention to the challenges women face when it comes to sexual intimacy after children. There are many facets to the difficulties that pregnant women and new mothers may feel during their journey into motherhood. From the changing and unrecognizable body to the trauma of childbirth and the challenges that come with the postpartum period, sexuality becomes a very difficult road to navigate. Sleep deprivation and prioritization of sleep is one of the top contributing factors to the de-prioritisation of sex. As most new parents know, sleep is a precious commodity that is in short supply, particularly in the beginning of the postpartum period. This is a time when couples often don’t prioritise time and sexual connection which can lead to feelings of disconnect and a lack of desire for sexual activity. Another challenge that women, especially, often discuss in the therapy room is feeling “touched out”. From breastfeeding their infant children to toddlers wanting hugs and kisses, mothers often feel deprived of personal space and overwhelmed from the constant need for contact. I often hear women describing sex becoming another “chore” and another “need” that they must fulfil for yet another person rather than something they enjoy due to this reason. Sex is of course a tactile activity but also one that requires a lot of “giving” of the self which can result in resentment of not having their proverbial cup refilled.
From a physiological perspective, breastfeeding meets a lot of intimacy needs that are usually met through sexual activity with our partners. One of the reasons that breastfeeding mothers experience a lower sex drive is because breastfeeding releases a wonderful chemical called oxytocin in abundance. Oxytocin is also known as the “love hormone”. It is a wonderful hormone that is released when we are sexually aroused and when we fall in love which causes us to have those warm fuzzy feelings towards our partners. Oxytocin is also released during orgasm and helps us to bond with our partner and feel closer and more connected which is one of the reasons why sexual intimacy is a very powerful bonding tool. However, the same hormone is also responsible for the production of milk and bonding with our infants so when women have had their “fill” of intimacy so to speak, it leaves little desire or need to experience that with their partners. Other hormones that are responsible for a lowered libido are falling estrogen levels which contribute to vaginal dryness which can result in more painful sexual activity and lower levels of progesterone which is the hormone which contributes to higher desire for sex during ovulation in order to promote, well, baby making.
A psychological challenge that mothers often experience is the transition from being the carer and nurturer to being a sexual being which requires a significant mental shift. When a woman has spent the significant part of the day caring for a child, changing diapers and being covered in vomit from their baby, it is difficult to switch gears into being a sexual being that feels in touch with their own body sexually. This also pertains to lowered self-esteem due to a rapidly changing body and a distorted view of self. Our sexual identity is intertwined with how we see ourselves as sexual beings. If we are not feeling comfortable or feeling disconnected from our bodies, it makes it difficult to maintain the feeling of staying in the moment to experience and receive pleasure, let alone achieving orgasm.
One of the most important pieces of advice that I give to new mothers is to make sure that regardless of how much healing time has been recommended following childbirth before engaging in sexual activity, it is important to feel mentally ready and open up lines of communication with their partners about how they are feeling. It is very normal to not want to have sex due to fear of pain following birth or to not experience any desire for sex. Sex should not be painful and unfortunately, if women push themselves to connect sexually before they are ready, the anxiety may create tension in their body and make the experience at best uncomfortable and at worst, exceptionally painful. My recommendation is to ensure that you have discussed any anxiety that you have about engaging in sex again with your partner and to go at a slow pace, checking in to make sure that there is not pain or significant discomfort. Using lubricant is often necessary, particularly during the breastfeeding stages and may help to combat the painful friction caused by lack of natural lubrication.
I also encourage couples to slow down the rush back into their regular sexual routine and spend more time focusing on sensual physical touch in order to create intimacy and closeness which aids in creating anticipation of sexual desire. Scheduling time for sex can also be a helpful tool as it allows for transition time between being the mother and being the sexual partner. Scheduling allows couples to work towards and look forward to something rather than expecting spontaneous arousal and initiation to occur.
For women struggling to reclaim their sexual identity following children, it can be helpful to start with self-pleasure prior to re-engaging with a partner as this takes the pressure of the performative aspect of sex and allows for sexual exploration on one’s own terms. If there are concerns around pain of penetration following a difficult vaginal delivery, especially if there was tearing or an episiotomy, using small and non-intimidating sex toys to stimulate the outside of the vaginal opening and clitoris prior to penetration can be a helpful way to re-introduce sexual pleasure in a more controlled way. If we start to associate sex with pain and being a burdensome task, we are far less likely to want to engage in an activity that causes us discomfort.