By Jenny Soudlenkov, MNZCCA registered counsellor
One of the topics that I get asked about most is sex after having kids. I have seen countless couples in my office who, amidst sleep deprivation and relationship dissatisfaction come to me with a version of one of these questions;
“Will my wife ever want to have sex again?”
“Why won’t my husband stop pestering me for sex? We’ve just had a baby!”
“Will I ever get to enjoy sex again?”
This list goes on and on but fundamentally, the underlying theme is that babies change your relationship…a lot.
Statistics suggest that men in heterosexual relationships are more likely to cheat either during pregnancy or in the infancy period of parenthood. Some studies suggest that as many as 1 in 10 men will cheat on a pregnant or postpartum mother. How ironic to think that the action that creates a child and brings life into the world becomes one of the most divisive and disconcerting topics that couples have to face when expanding their family. So why does this happen? Whilst there are many reasons for this, some that we will cover in upcoming articles, fundamentally the shift of focus from our partner to the child can illicit feelings of being unwanted, unloved and undesired. This leads to people seeking to meet their needs in other places such as through affairs, escorts or pornography.
The antidote is in the reconnection with your spouse. Relationships are not static, they are constantly evolving and growing just like we are as individuals. A relationship that may have started in your 20’s that was full of lust, passion and carelessness will likely look very different to a relationship in your 30’s and 40’s when you are bogged down with the responsibility of a family, young kids, demanding careers and a shift in hormones. So, what does reconnecting with your spouse look like? My suggestion to couples is to ensure that even if there is a lack of sex, which is very normal and common during pregnancy and after birth, there is still ample physical and emotional affection and appreciation for one another. This period is an opportunity to create a relationship with great depth and intimacy that transcends a physical experience however unfortunately it is usually the time when couples are most dissatisfied with their relationship.
One of my favourite pieces of work by the Gottman institute is their research on bids for connection. Dr. John Gottman conducted some research on the likeliest predictor for divorce with married couples and studies showed that turning down your partners bids for connection is the key predictor for couples divorcing within a six-year timeframe. So, what is a bid for connection and why is this important information for an article about having sex after having kids? A bid for connection is an attempt from one partner to solicit attention, affirmation or affection from the other partner in order to create connection. A bid may be as simple as a smile or squeezing your partners hand or it could be more complex such as asking your partner for their opinion or for their help. As I write this article, even after being a relationship and sex therapist for several years, I am reflecting on the times that I either missed or turned down my partners bids for connection because I was too “busy” or too distracted to notice him reaching towards me. An example that springs to mind straight away is one that I am sure many couples could relate to in the throws of postpartum life. After dinner one night, we were experiencing the witching hour like most other nights and our newborn was screaming at the top of his lungs and the toddler was refusing to eat his dinner and was arguing about something arbitrary like not wanting to brush his teeth. Whilst in a hurry to clean up and get the shower going for the kids, my partner attempted to hug me as he could see the stress that I was feeling in that moment. Rather than accepting this bid and turning inwards towards him, I pushed him away and said something to the affect of “not now, I have so much to do”. What could have been a moment for connection and intimacy between us as parents, bonding over the shared challenge of postpartum life, became a rejection of connection. I did notice this transgression as soon as it occurred and did apologise for turning away however that moment, as insignificant as it may seem, really highlighted for me how couples drift apart during such a challenging time in their relationship.
So how does this translate to having sex? Well, the lead up to sex is a marathon and not a race. The “foreplay” is in the shared moments of connection and togetherness that lead to yearning to feel even closer. Accepting a partners bid for connections makes them feel seen and appreciated which is usually the underlying complaint that I hear in my office from both the male and female partners. As I suggested earlier, the infidelity that may occur during the antenatal or post-partum period, is not as much about sex as it is in feeling wanted or feeling appreciated. Connection with your partner needs to be a reciprocal, mindful practice between both spouses as your relationship does not stop with having a child. Whilst having children of course, may hinder spontaneous acts of passion that may have occurred previously, it does not mean that your relationship needs to take a backseat for the next several years. Relearning how to be intimate again takes courage, mindfulness and effort from both parties. It may not be as effortless as it once was, however, it can be just as rewarding if not more so.
On a more practical note, one of the other suggestions I often make to couples is to make sure that your bedroom is a child and chaos free place as much as possible. I understand that this is much easier said than done however it is something I urge couples to pay attention to. The transition from being parents to being sexual partners is challenging enough without the clutter and reminder of toys and kids’ clothes throughout the bedroom. I encourage couples to associate their bedroom with sleep and sex rather than another extension to their children.
Part 2 Sex after kids: Troubleshooting common issues for women
*Part 1 of a 3-part series on “sex after kids”