By Sophie Rushmer
Unhealthy or toxic relationships take a toll on our emotional, physical and mental health. We are often left feeling anxious, drained, stressed and confused, whilst stripping our sense of self and overall outlook. Toxic relationships can also affect our physical health, impacting sleep quality, a weakened immune system, slower wound healing and increased stress hormones. In simple terms; toxic relationships are bad for our health.
So, what are the warning signs? And how can we become more aware over time?
1. Rushed intimacy and intense emotions very early on. Things move from 0-100% overnight and feel overwhelming. Blowing up your phone with excessive messaging or” future-selling” your dream life together having just met.
2. Declarations of love or excessive compliments early on. It takes time to get to know someone in order to pay a “genuine” compliment. Let’s face it, a compliment is a personal and intimate observation based on knowing someone over time. Be aware of generic, surface level compliments which are often a form of manipulation (“I’ve waited my whole life to meet someone like you”). Be aware, they don’t actually know YOU in these early stages.
3. They do not respect your boundaries and challenge you to lower, alter or remove yours. You find yourself compromising your core values and belief systems
4. They are often enmeshed (want to do everything with you) and lack independence or a life/friends/hobbies of their own. At times your feel suffocated and overwhelmed.
5. They can be emotionally addictive and feel like a roller coaster of intense highs and lows. Healthy and secure relationships do not live in the extremes.
6. They comment negatively around your family, friends and support system, challenging those relationships and often leading you to feel isolated and alone.
7. They get defensive when you express your feelings/vulnerabilities and minimise or dismiss your emotional state.
8. They are either the “victim” (my ex was a psycho, my friend treated me badly, no one understands me) or the “persecutor” (they are all idiots, it’s all their fault) and cannot accept accountability. Essentially this is blame-shifting.
9. They leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and confused. You feel stuck in a negative, repetitive cycle.
10. Words and actions do not align (“I will change, I will move heaven and earth for you, the love of my life”) followed by no active shift/change in actions or behaviour.
Remember, people will always show you who they are through their behaviour.
It is up to you to notice (not ignore) the warning signs.
The lure of love is powerful – in fact several hormones are released which intensify our feelings and emotions – hello dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin.
When love rears its head, we often go full steam ahead, refusing to stop and acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings creeping in. They are there for a reason, often in flashing red lights. It’s up to us to stop and listen.
When we do, we can implement relational skills which can be developed and learned over time. You might need to learn new skills such as setting and holding boundaries, assertiveness, healthy distancing, confrontation or self-care. Growing these skills builds confidence in protecting our well-being and improving emotional resilience.
The more awareness, the more effective you’ll become at keeping the wrong people out of your life - and the right ones in.