By Sophie Rushmer
Relationships matter.
As human beings, we all seek one thing – connection. A sense of belonging and an ability to relate with others significantly influences our overall wellbeing. As social creatures, our mental, physical and emotional health are all impacted by the quality of our relationships. Research shows that healthy relationships help us to manage stress, reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, improve immunity and even elongate our lives.
Whether romantic or plutonic, the quality of our relationships matter. So, what are the green flags of a healthy relationship? And how do we learn to recognise these qualities over time.
1. They listen rather than trying to ‘fix, correct or problem solve’.
How often has someone interrupted you, cut you off, told you what to do, or even corrected you in conversation? When someone is truly listening to us– they are doing one thing; listening to understand.
They are present and give their full attention (both verbally and non-verbally). Distractions are removed (cell phones put away) and body language is relaxed and open.
They are curious. Their goal is to fully understand your perspective, to acknowledge and empathise with your experiences. They do less talking, less fixing and more ‘tuning in’. They ask questions and validate your emotional experience. When someone is ‘actively listening’, we feel seen, heard and most importantly – understood.
2. They respect your boundaries.
Boundaries are important - they serve to protect our mental, physical and emotional well-being through setting limits around what we will tolerate from others.
Pay attention to how they respond to your boundaries – especially a “no”.
Did they acknowledge and respect your ‘no’ the first time? Are they receptive and empathetic? Are they curious around how they can support you further? These are healthy signs that your boundaries are acknowledged, understood and respected.
3. They can regulate their own emotions.
When big emotions come up, over time we learn to slow down, manage impulses, self-soothe and respond. It is reasonable to expect our partner to experience big emotions without lashing out (reactivity) or shutting down. It is not our responsibility to regulate their emotions for them.
Someone who has learnt emotional regulation skills has the ability to communicate, even when emotions are strong. An emotional environment which feels stable allows you to work through conflict together, manage stress and build safety and trust over time. A key green flag in a healthy relationship.
4. They take accountability and can admit when they are wrong.
It’s ok to get things wrong. With the best of intentions, we will all fail, drop the ball, or inadvertently let someone down. It’s part of being human – and what makes us perfectly imperfect.
It’s important to be able to say “yes, I messed up”, “that’s on me” and then genuinely want to do better. Rather than brushing it under the rug, we learn to ‘lean in’. When your partner takes accountability, they are willing to process what happened, where they went wrong, and work through things together. When they do this, you are able to bounce back as a couple after conflict, strengthen communication and feel more connected – a major green flag in healthy relationships.
5. They have long-term friendships.
Someone who has maintained good friendships over a period of time indicates strong relational skills. They have usually worked through the highs and lows of friendships and communicate well with the important people in their life. They don’t run for the hills the second things get bumpy. Not only do they have good friends, but they know how to be a good friend. A strong endorsement for healthy relationships.
6. They are open to difficult conversations.
Conflict is a natural part of relationships.
When addressing concerns with our partner, it is important to notice how open they are to receiving feedback. Are they defensive? Do they deflect and shift blame? Do they ‘blow-up’ or become reactive?
In a healthy relationship, our partner listens without defensiveness. Ego takes a back seat and they have a genuine desire to understand more of our experience. They ask questions to deepen their understanding and are interested in how they can meet your needs. When this happens, couples can navigate conflict in a healthy way, deepening their connection and building safety and trust over time. Certified relationship gold.
7. They have their own life, hobbies and interests.
In secure, healthy relationships, people maintain hobbies and interests outside of their relationship. Doing so helps to develop their identity through independence, achievement and fulfilment. It may be sports, baking, knitting……. astrophysics! The skies the limit.
Maintaining personal hobbies brings a new energy to relationships where we can share fresh ideas about what we have learnt (“guess what, I learnt a new serve at pickleball today!”). Having time apart ensures we are not becoming dependent on our partner and nurtures individual growth – a super healthy green flag.
8. Notice how you feel around them.
Your nervous system is a good indicator safety.
We feel different around those who create a sense of safety, as opposed to those who may trigger anxiety. When we pay attention to how our body feels we begin to check-in more. We might ask “do I feel calm and relaxed around this person” or “do I feel like I can be my true authentic self. “How do I feel after I’ve left this person” and really pay attention to your ‘felt sense’.