How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: A Guide to Stronger Connection and Intimacy in New Zealand

Learn how to improve communication in your relationship. Counselling in New Zealand can help rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy.

How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: A Guide to Stronger Connection and Intimacy in New Zealand

When Communication Starts to Break Down in a Relationship

Most couples don’t suddenly stop communicating well. It usually happens slowly.

Conversations become shorter. Misunderstandings increase. Small issues turn into arguments. One or both partners start holding things in to avoid conflict. Over time, emotional distance can grow.

You might find yourself thinking:

• “We just keep arguing about the same things.”

• “I don’t feel heard anymore.”

• “We barely talk unless we’re sorting out problems.”

• “I love my partner, but something feels missing.”

• “I need help with communication in my relationship.”

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Communication difficulties are one of the most common reasons couples seek counselling in New Zealand, especially when intimacy and emotional connection begin to fade.

The good news is that communication is a skill - not a fixed trait, and it can be rebuilt with the right support.

Why Communication Problems Happen in Relationships

Communication issues rarely come down to one person “not trying hard enough.” They are usually influenced by a mix of stress, emotions, life pressures, and past experiences.

Common reasons communication breaks down:

1. Stress and Busy Lives

Work pressure, parenting, financial stress, and fatigue can leave little emotional energy for meaningful conversation.

2. Different Communication Styles

One partner may prefer talking things through immediately, while the other needs space before responding. This difference can create misunderstandings.

3. Emotional Overload

When emotions are high, people often say things they don’t mean—or shut down completely.

4. Unresolved Conflict

Past arguments that were never fully resolved can quietly build tension over time.

5. Avoidance to Prevent Conflict

Some couples stop raising issues altogether to “keep the peace,” which often leads to emotional distance.

6. Past Relationship or Childhood Experiences

Early life experiences can shape how safe or unsafe it feels to express needs in relationships.

From a counselling perspective, communication patterns are often deeply connected to emotional safety and attachment - not just “talking skills.”

What Poor Communication Can Feel Like

When communication is not working well, couples often describe a sense of emotional disconnection.

You might notice:

• Feeling misunderstood or dismissed

• Conversations quickly turning into arguments

• Walking on eggshells

• One partner shutting down while the other pursues conversation

• Feeling lonely even when together

• Intimacy reducing over time

• Avoiding difficult conversations altogether

Many people also search online for:

• “Why do we keep arguing over nothing?”

• “Relationship communication problems help NZ”

• “Couples counselling New Zealand”

• “Therapy for relationship issues NZ”

These searches often reflect a desire to reconnect, not to give up.

When to Seek Help for Relationship Communication Issues

There is no “perfect time” to seek support. However, counselling can be especially helpful when patterns start to feel stuck or repetitive.

You may benefit from relationship counselling in New Zealand if:

Communication feels consistently difficult

You try to talk, but it keeps ending in misunderstandings or conflict.

You feel emotionally disconnected

You feel more like housemates than partners.

Arguments are increasing or repeating

You keep having the same unresolved conversations.

Intimacy has reduced

Emotional distance often affects physical and sexual intimacy as well.

One or both partners are withdrawing

Silence, avoidance, or shutting down becomes common.

You are thinking:

• “I don’t know how to fix this anymore”

• “We need help communicating”

• “I love my partner but we keep clashing”

• “Find a counsellor near me NZ”

These are all valid reasons to seek support. You do not need to wait until the relationship is in crisis.

How Counselling Can Help Improve Communication

Couples counselling provides a structured, supportive space to understand what is happening beneath the surface of communication difficulties.

Rather than focusing only on “better communication techniques,” therapy helps uncover:

• Emotional triggers

• Unmet needs

• Patterns of conflict

• Attachment styles

• Stress responses

• Ways each partner experiences safety and connection

Types of therapy used in relationship counselling

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT is widely used in couples counselling and focuses on strengthening emotional bonding and attachment. It helps couples move from conflict toward connection.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT helps identify unhelpful thinking patterns that contribute to misunderstandings or reactive communication.

Gottman-informed approaches

These focus on practical tools for communication, conflict resolution, and rebuilding friendship in relationships.

Trauma-informed counselling

If past trauma is affecting trust or communication, a trauma-informed approach helps ensure safety and emotional pacing.

In New Zealand, counselling is also shaped by culturally responsive practice. Approaches such as Te Whare Tapa Whā recognise that communication and relationships are influenced by emotional, physical, family, and spiritual wellbeing.

How Counselling Helps Improve Communication in Real Life

Counselling is not about telling couples “how to talk properly.” It is about helping partners understand each other more deeply.

Therapy can help you:

• Slow down difficult conversations

• Learn how to listen without becoming defensive

• Express needs more clearly and calmly

• Understand emotional triggers

• Repair after arguments more effectively

• Rebuild trust and emotional safety

• Strengthen intimacy and connection

• Break long-standing communication cycles

Many couples are surprised that small shifts in communication patterns can create significant changes in emotional closeness.

What to Expect in a Couples Counselling Session in New Zealand

It is normal to feel nervous before your first session. Many couples worry they will be judged or told their relationship is “broken.” That is not the purpose of counselling.

In your first session, you can expect:

• A safe and neutral space for both partners

• Time to share your concerns at your own pace

• Questions about your relationship history and current challenges

• Exploration of communication patterns

• Identification of goals for counselling

• Discussion about what each partner needs to feel heard

The counsellor is not there to take sides. Their role is to support understanding and improve communication between both people.

You won’t be forced to:

• Share everything immediately

• Resolve issues in one session

• Agree on everything

Counselling is a gradual process that focuses on emotional safety and clarity.

Sessions may be offered:

• In person

• Online across New Zealand

• Individually (if one partner is not ready for couples sessions yet)

Communication and Intimacy: Why They Are Connected

Communication and intimacy are deeply linked.

When communication breaks down, emotional and physical intimacy often follows. When people feel unheard or misunderstood, they naturally withdraw emotionally or physically.

Improving communication often leads to:

• Increased emotional closeness

• Greater trust

• Improved physical intimacy

• Reduced conflict

• More affection and connection

This is why many people seeking therapy for relationship issues NZ are also looking to rebuild intimacy, not just communication skills.

A New Zealand Perspective on Relationships

Relationships in Aotearoa are shaped by cultural values, family systems, and lived experiences.

For many Māori, relationships are grounded in whanaungatanga - connection, relationships, and shared responsibility. Healthy communication is not only about the couple but also about wider whānau and collective wellbeing.

Using models such as Te Whare Tapa Whā, we can understand that communication issues are often influenced by:

• Emotional wellbeing (taha hinengaro)

• Physical stress and fatigue (taha tinana)

• Relationship and family pressures (taha whānau)

• Sense of identity, meaning, and values (taha wairua)

Counselling that respects these dimensions can create more meaningful and lasting change.

You Don’t Have to Fix This Alone

If you are struggling with communication in your relationship, you are not alone - and it does not mean your relationship is failing.

It often means you need support to understand each other again.

If you are searching for:

• “How to improve communication in my relationship NZ”

• “Couples counselling New Zealand”

• “I need help with relationship problems”

• “Find a counsellor near me NZ”

• “Therapy for communication issues NZ”

Counselling can help you rebuild connection, understanding, and intimacy.

Book a Counselling Session

At Intimacy Counselling New Zealand, we support couples and individuals to improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen emotional and physical connection.

If your relationship feels stuck, distant, or full of repeated conflict, support is available.

Reaching out for counselling is a positive step toward understanding each other again.

Book a session today to begin rebuilding connection, communication, and intimacy in your relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is communication so hard in relationships?

Communication becomes difficult when stress, emotional triggers, unresolved conflict, or different communication styles interfere with feeling understood.

Can counselling help improve communication in a relationship?

Yes. Counselling helps couples identify patterns, improve listening skills, and develop healthier ways of expressing emotions and needs.

What is the best therapy for relationship communication problems?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), CBT, and Gottman-informed approaches are commonly used in relationship counselling in New Zealand.

When should we go to couples counselling?

If communication problems are ongoing, repetitive, or affecting intimacy and connection, counselling can be helpful at any stage.

Can counselling help if only one partner wants it?

Yes. Individual counselling can still improve relationship communication and patterns, even if your partner is not ready to attend.

Is couples counselling available online in New Zealand?

Yes. Many counsellors offer secure online sessions across NZ, making support accessible from anywhere.

Open Relationship Counselling NZ: Strengthening Trust, Communication and Intimacy in Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships

When openness feels more complicated than expected

Open relationships can be deeply fulfilling, offering freedom, honesty, and expanded intimacy. But they can also bring unexpected emotional challenges - jealousy, insecurity, communication breakdowns, or confusion about boundaries.

If you’ve found yourself searching for “open relationship counselling NZ”, “therapy for open relationships NZ”, or even thinking “I need help with relationship trust issues”, you’re not alone. Many people in Aotearoa New Zealand are navigating the same questions quietly.

You might still care deeply for your partner(s), but feel stuck in cycles of misunderstanding, emotional overwhelm, or disconnection. Counselling offers a space to slow things down, understand what’s happening beneath the surface, and rebuild connection with clarity and care.

Understanding open relationships and the challenges that can come with them

Open or consensually non-monogamous relationships are built on agreement that partners may form emotional and/or sexual connections with others. While this can work well for many people, it also requires ongoing communication, emotional awareness, and strong boundaries.

Common challenges people experience include:

• Jealousy or fear of being replaced

• Difficulty setting or maintaining boundaries

• Mismatched expectations between partners

• Feeling insecure or “not enough”

• Breakdown in communication after new partners are introduced

• Emotional burnout from navigating multiple relationships

• Shame or stigma from family, friends, or culture

• Trust issues after boundaries are crossed

These experiences are not signs that open relationships “don’t work.” Instead, they often signal that more support, structure, or communication tools are needed.

What it can feel like

People often describe:

• Constant overthinking or anxiety about a partner’s other relationships

• Feeling emotionally “on edge”

• Difficulty expressing needs without conflict

• A sense of loneliness even within a relationship

• Confusion about whether to continue or close the relationship

If this sounds familiar, counselling for open relationships in NZ can help you make sense of what’s happening and find a way forward.

When to seek counselling support

You don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from counselling. Many people seek support early to strengthen their relationship before issues escalate.

You might consider reaching out if you are thinking:

• “We keep having the same arguments and nothing changes”

• “I don’t feel secure in my relationship anymore”

• “We opened our relationship but didn’t plan it properly”

• “I feel overwhelmed by jealousy or anxiety”

• “We love each other but keep hurting each other”

• “I want to understand my needs better”

• “We need help setting boundaries that actually work”

Searching for “find a counsellor near me NZ” or “relationship counselling Auckland” is often the first step people take when they realise they need structured support.

How counselling can help open relationships

Counselling provides a neutral, supportive space where all partners can be heard without judgement. A skilled counsellor helps you slow down reactive patterns and build healthier ways of relating.

1. Improving communication

Many issues in open relationships come down to communication gaps—not lack of care.

Counselling can help you:

• Express needs clearly without blame

• Listen without becoming defensive

• Navigate difficult conversations safely

• Understand emotional triggers

2. Exploring jealousy and insecurity

Jealousy is often misunderstood. It is not simply “bad emotion” - it usually signals fear, attachment needs, or unmet emotional needs.

Therapy helps you:

• Understand where jealousy comes from

• Reduce shame around it

• Develop emotional regulation tools

• Rebuild internal security

3. Strengthening boundaries and agreements

Healthy open relationships rely on clear, flexible boundaries.

Counselling supports you to:

• Create realistic agreements

• Adjust boundaries when circumstances change

• Talk through expectations honestly

• Reduce misunderstandings before they escalate

4. Rebuilding trust

If trust has been impacted, therapy helps you:

• Understand what broke down

• Repair emotional safety

• Rebuild consistency and reliability

• Decide whether the relationship can continue in its current form

5. Individual and couples support

Depending on your needs, counselling may include:

• Individual therapy sessions

• Couples or multi-partner sessions

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approaches

• Attachment-based therapy

• Communication skills training

Cultural context in Aotearoa New Zealand

Relationships in Aotearoa exist within cultural, spiritual, and whānau systems. For many Māori, relationships are influenced by concepts such as whanaungatanga (relationships and connection), manaakitanga (care and respect), and the importance of collective wellbeing.

Counselling in New Zealand is increasingly shaped by culturally responsive practice, which recognises:

• The importance of identity and belonging

• The role of whānau and community

• The impact of colonisation on relationship patterns and trust

• The need for safe, non-judgemental spaces for all relationship structures

A good counsellor will not assume one “correct” way to do relationships but will instead support you to find what aligns with your values, wellbeing, and cultural context.

What to expect in a counselling session

If you’ve never attended relationship counselling before, it’s normal to feel unsure.

First session

Your counsellor will typically:

• Get to know you and your relationship structure

• Understand what has brought you in

• Explore what you want to change or improve

• Establish safety and confidentiality

Ongoing sessions

As therapy continues, you may:

• Explore patterns in communication and conflict

• Learn practical tools for emotional regulation

• Work through specific incidents or tensions

• Strengthen emotional connection and understanding

Sessions are not about judging your relationship choices - they are about helping you understand them more clearly and make intentional decisions.

Open relationship counselling in NZ: finding the right support

When searching for “counselling in New Zealand” or “therapy for relationship issues NZ”, it’s important to choose a counsellor who is comfortable working with diverse relationship structures.

In Aotearoa, you can access support through private counselling services, community providers, and online therapy options.

Trusted counselling services in NZ

• Employment Counselling Services (ECSNZ) – Offers professional counselling and workplace/relationship support with both online and in-person sessions.

• Counselling and Therapy New Zealand – Provides therapy for individuals and couples navigating relationship challenges, including intimacy and communication issues.

• Intimacy Counselling – Specialises in intimacy, attachment, and relationship counselling, including support for non-traditional relationship structures.

These services can help whether you are in Auckland or elsewhere in Aotearoa, as many providers now offer online counselling sessions.

Why people seek help (and what changes after counselling)

People often come to counselling feeling stuck, disconnected, or unsure whether their relationship can continue in its current form.

Over time, many notice:

• More honest and calm communication

• Less emotional reactivity during conflict

• Clearer boundaries and expectations

• Increased trust and emotional safety

• Better understanding of personal needs

• Stronger decision-making about relationships

Counselling doesn’t “fix” relationships in a simple way—it helps you understand them deeply so you can make informed, grounded choices.

Call to action: support is available

If you are struggling with jealousy, communication breakdowns, or uncertainty in an open relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Seeking support is not about failure - it’s about building relationships that are more honest, connected, and sustainable.

If you’re ready to talk, consider booking a session with a qualified counsellor in New Zealand. Whether you’re looking for individual support or couples counselling, the right space can help you feel clearer, calmer, and more connected again.

FAQs: Open relationship counselling NZ

What is open relationship counselling?

It is counselling that helps individuals or partners navigate consensually non-monogamous relationships, focusing on communication, boundaries, trust, and emotional wellbeing.

Can counselling help jealousy in open relationships?

Yes. Counselling helps you understand jealousy, reduce emotional reactivity, and develop healthier ways to respond to insecurity and fear.

Is relationship counselling in NZ confidential?

Yes. Counselling in New Zealand is confidential, with exceptions only in situations where there is risk of harm.

Do both partners need to attend?

Not always. Some people attend individually, while others attend as a couple or with multiple partners depending on the relationship structure.

How do I find a counsellor near me in NZ?

Search terms like “relationship counselling NZ”, “find a counsellor near me NZ”, or “open relationship therapy Auckland” can help you locate providers. Online counselling is also widely available.

Low Libido in New Zealand: Understanding the Causes and How Counselling Can Help

Struggling with low libido? Learn the causes, signs, and how counselling in New Zealand can help improve intimacy, connection, and wellbeing.

Low Libido: You're Not Alone

Many people experience periods in their lives when their interest in sex decreases. For some, this change is temporary and linked to stress, fatigue, parenting demands, or health issues. For others, low libido becomes a persistent concern that affects their confidence, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

If you've found yourself searching for terms such as "low libido help NZ," "therapy for low libido NZ," "why don't I want sex anymore," or "find a counsellor near me NZ," you are far from alone.

Low libido is one of the most common concerns people bring to relationship and intimacy counselling. While it can feel embarrassing or difficult to talk about, changes in sexual desire are a normal part of being human. More importantly, support is available.

At Intimacy Counselling, we provide a safe, confidential, and non-judgmental space to explore concerns about sexual desire, intimacy, and relationships.

What Is Low Libido?

Low libido refers to a reduced interest in sexual activity or a decrease in sexual desire compared to what feels normal for you.

There is no "correct" level of sexual desire. Some people naturally have a higher libido, while others have a lower one. Problems usually arise when:

• Your level of desire has changed significantly

• You feel distressed by the change

• Your relationship is being affected

• There is a mismatch in desire between partners

• You miss feeling connected to your sexuality

Low libido can affect people of all genders, ages, sexual orientations, and relationship types.

Signs That Low Libido May Be Affecting You

People experience low libido differently. Common signs include:

• Little or no interest in sexual activity

• Reduced sexual thoughts or fantasies

• Avoiding intimacy with a partner

• Feeling disconnected from your sexuality

• Experiencing anxiety around sexual situations

• Difficulty becoming emotionally or physically aroused

• Feeling guilty about not wanting sex

• Relationship tension related to intimacy

• Feeling pressure to engage in sex despite a lack of desire

For some people, low libido develops gradually. Others notice a sudden change following a significant life event.

What Causes Low Libido?

Low libido is rarely caused by a single factor. Instead, it is often influenced by a combination of physical, emotional, relational, and lifestyle factors.

Stress and Mental Load

Modern life places significant demands on many New Zealanders. Work pressures, financial stress, parenting responsibilities, study commitments, and caregiving can leave little emotional energy for intimacy.

When the body remains in a state of stress, sexual desire often decreases.

Relationship Difficulties

Unresolved conflict, communication problems, trust issues, emotional distance, or feeling disconnected from a partner can affect sexual desire.

Many people discover that low libido is not solely about sex but is connected to broader relationship dynamics.

Anxiety and Depression

Mental health challenges frequently impact libido.

People experiencing anxiety may struggle to relax and feel present during intimate moments. Depression can reduce motivation, pleasure, energy levels, and sexual interest.

Hormonal Changes

Hormonal shifts can influence libido at different stages of life, including:

• Pregnancy and postpartum

• Perimenopause and menopause

• Ageing

• Medical conditions affecting hormone levels

Physical Health Factors

Certain health conditions may affect sexual desire, including:

• Chronic pain

• Diabetes

• Cardiovascular conditions

• Sleep disorders

• Fatigue

• Thyroid conditions

Some medications, including antidepressants, may also affect libido.

Past Trauma

Experiences of sexual abuse, assault, coercion, family violence, or other forms of trauma can significantly impact sexual desire and feelings of safety within intimate relationships.

For some individuals in New Zealand, ACC-funded counselling may be available where sexual trauma contributes to current difficulties.

Cultural, Religious, and Family Messages

The beliefs we learn growing up can shape how we feel about sexuality and intimacy.

Feelings of shame, guilt, fear, or discomfort around sex may contribute to low sexual desire later in life.

Understanding Intimacy and Wellbeing in Aotearoa New Zealand

In Aotearoa New Zealand, wellbeing is often understood as being broader than physical health alone.

Māori models of wellbeing such as Te Whare Tapa Whā recognise the importance of balancing emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational wellbeing. Intimacy and connection can be an important part of overall health and quality of life.

When one aspect of wellbeing is under strain, such as stress, relationship conflict, or emotional distress, it can affect sexual desire and connection.

A culturally responsive counselling approach recognises the importance of identity, values, whānau, relationships, and lived experience.

When Should You Seek Help for Low Libido?

Many people wait months or even years before discussing concerns about sexual desire.

You may benefit from professional support if:

• Low libido is causing personal distress

• You feel disconnected from your partner

• Intimacy has become a source of conflict

• You avoid conversations about sex

• You feel ashamed or confused about changes in desire

• Past experiences may be affecting intimacy

• You've tried addressing the issue on your own without success

Seeking support early can help prevent frustration, resentment, and relationship difficulties from becoming more entrenched.

How Counselling Can Help with Low Libido

Many people assume low libido is simply a physical problem. In reality, sexual desire is influenced by many emotional, relational, and psychological factors.

Counselling provides an opportunity to explore these factors in a safe and supportive environment.

Understanding Your Unique Experience

A counsellor can help identify what may be contributing to changes in libido and explore patterns that may not be immediately obvious.

Reducing Shame and Self-Criticism

Many people blame themselves for low desire.

Counselling can help challenge unhelpful beliefs and develop a more compassionate understanding of your experiences.

Improving Communication

For couples, therapy can strengthen communication around intimacy, needs, boundaries, expectations, and emotional connection.

Addressing Anxiety and Stress

Learning strategies to manage stress and anxiety often improves overall wellbeing and can support healthier intimacy.

Processing Past Experiences

Where trauma or difficult experiences contribute to low libido, therapy can provide a safe space to process these experiences and rebuild a sense of safety.

Types of Therapy for Low Libido in New Zealand

Several therapeutic approaches may be helpful depending on your circumstances.

Relationship Counselling

Couples counselling can help partners improve communication, rebuild trust, and strengthen emotional connection.

Sex Therapy

Sex therapy focuses specifically on concerns related to sexual wellbeing, desire, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT helps identify unhelpful thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that may contribute to difficulties with intimacy.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

ACT supports people in responding more flexibly to difficult thoughts and emotions while focusing on meaningful relationships and personal values.

Trauma-Informed Therapy

For those impacted by trauma, specialised therapy can help address emotional barriers to intimacy.

What to Expect in a Low Libido Counselling Session

Many people feel nervous discussing intimacy concerns for the first time.

This is completely understandable.

Counselling sessions are confidential, respectful, and paced according to your comfort level.

During an initial session, you may discuss:

• What changes you have noticed

• How long concerns have been present

• Relationship factors

• Stress levels and life circumstances

• Health considerations

• Personal goals for counselling

You are never required to discuss anything before you feel ready.

The goal is to create a safe environment where concerns can be explored openly and without judgement.

Take the First Step Towards Reconnecting

Changes in sexual desire can feel confusing, frustrating, and isolating. However, low libido is a common experience, and it does not mean something is wrong with you or your relationship.

With the right support, many people gain a deeper understanding of themselves, improve communication, strengthen intimacy, and rebuild confidence in their relationships.

At Intimacy Counselling, we offer professional, compassionate counselling for individuals and couples experiencing concerns about sexual desire, intimacy, and relationship connection.

If you've been searching for "low libido help NZ," "therapy for low libido NZ," "relationship counselling New Zealand," or "find a counsellor near me NZ," we are here to help.

Contact Intimacy Counselling today to book a confidential session and begin working toward greater connection, intimacy, and wellbeing.

Frequently Asked Questions About Low Libido in New Zealand

Is low libido normal?

Yes. Sexual desire naturally changes throughout life due to stress, health, relationships, hormones, and life circumstances. Low libido becomes a concern when it causes distress or affects wellbeing.

Can counselling help low libido?

Yes. Counselling can help identify emotional, psychological, relational, and lifestyle factors contributing to reduced sexual desire.

Should I see a doctor or a counsellor?

Both may be helpful. A doctor can assess physical and hormonal factors, while a counsellor can explore emotional, relational, and psychological influences.

Can relationship problems cause low libido?

Absolutely. Communication difficulties, conflict, emotional disconnection, and unresolved issues often affect intimacy and desire.

Is online therapy for low libido available in New Zealand?

Yes. Many counsellors and intimacy specialists offer secure online sessions throughout New Zealand.

Can ACC cover counselling for low libido?

ACC may provide funding if sexual trauma contributes to current difficulties and eligibility criteria are met. A qualified therapist can discuss available options.

Sex Therapy NZ: How Intimacy Counselling Can Help You Reconnect, Heal, and Strengthen Your Relationship

Learn how sex therapy in NZ can help with intimacy concerns, sexual difficulties, relationship challenges, and emotional connection. Book support today.

Sex Therapy NZ: Understanding Intimacy, Connection, and Relationship Wellbeing

Many people struggle with intimacy at some point in their lives. Yet despite how common these challenges are, talking about sex and intimacy can feel uncomfortable, embarrassing, or even shameful.

If you're experiencing difficulties in your intimate relationship, you're not alone. Across New Zealand, individuals and couples seek professional support for concerns relating to desire, sexual satisfaction, emotional connection, communication, trust, and relationship wellbeing.

Whether you're experiencing a loss of intimacy, mismatched sexual desire, sexual anxiety, relationship conflict, or difficulties following a life transition, sex therapy and intimacy counselling can provide a safe and supportive space to explore what is happening and find a path forward.

Seeking support is not a sign that something is wrong with you or your relationship. In many cases, it reflects a commitment to understanding yourself, strengthening your connection, and improving your overall wellbeing.

What Is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a specialised form of counselling that helps individuals and couples address concerns related to intimacy, sexuality, relationships, and emotional connection.

Despite common misconceptions, sex therapy does not involve any physical contact or sexual activity during sessions. Instead, it involves talking with a qualified therapist in a confidential and supportive environment.

Sex therapy can help with:

• Low sexual desire

• Differences in sexual desire between partners

• Intimacy concerns

• Communication difficulties around sex

• Sexual anxiety

• Relationship conflict related to intimacy

• Difficulties with sexual confidence

• Emotional disconnection

• Recovery from relationship betrayal

• Sexual concerns following illness, childbirth, or ageing

• Exploring sexual identity and relationship dynamics

Many people searching online for "sex therapy NZ", "intimacy counselling New Zealand", or "relationship intimacy help NZ" are seeking answers to these common concerns.

Signs You May Benefit From Intimacy Counselling

Intimacy challenges can affect people in many different ways.

You may benefit from professional support if you experience:

Feeling Emotionally or Physically Disconnected

You love your partner but no longer feel close, connected, or affectionate.

Frequent Arguments About Sex

Disagreements about intimacy can create tension, resentment, and misunderstandings within a relationship.

Mismatched Levels of Desire

One partner may want more intimacy while the other feels less interested, creating frustration for both people.

Anxiety About Sexual Intimacy

Worry, fear, embarrassment, or performance concerns can make intimacy feel stressful rather than enjoyable.

Avoiding Intimate Situations

Some individuals begin avoiding affection or physical closeness because of anxiety, conflict, or emotional discomfort.

Reduced Relationship Satisfaction

When intimacy concerns continue over time, they can affect overall relationship happiness and emotional wellbeing.

Why Do Intimacy Problems Occur?

There is rarely a single cause of intimacy difficulties.

Instead, multiple factors often contribute.

Stress and Mental Health

Work pressures, parenting responsibilities, financial concerns, anxiety, depression, and burnout can all affect sexual desire and emotional connection.

Relationship Challenges

Unresolved conflict, poor communication, loss of trust, or emotional distance often influence intimacy.

Physical Health Factors

Medical conditions, hormonal changes, medication side effects, chronic pain, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause can affect sexual wellbeing.

Past Experiences

Previous relationship experiences, cultural messages, family beliefs, trauma, or negative sexual experiences may influence how someone feels about intimacy.

Life Transitions

Major life changes such as becoming parents, ageing, retirement, relocation, illness, or grief can impact relationships and intimacy.

Intimacy and Relationships in Aotearoa New Zealand

Healthy relationships contribute significantly to wellbeing.

Within Aotearoa New Zealand, counselling services increasingly recognise the importance of culturally responsive care.

For Māori, wellbeing is often understood holistically through models such as Te Whare Tapa Whā, which recognises the interconnectedness of:

• Taha tinana (physical wellbeing)

• Taha hinengaro (mental and emotional wellbeing)

• Taha whānau (family and relationships)

• Taha wairua (spiritual well being)

Relationship and intimacy concerns can affect multiple dimensions of wellbeing simultaneously.

A culturally respectful therapist acknowledges the importance of identity, family, values, culture, and relationships when supporting clients.

When Should You Seek Help?

Many people wait months or years before discussing intimacy concerns.

However, early support often leads to better outcomes.

Consider seeking intimacy counselling if:

• Intimacy concerns are causing distress

• Communication about sex feels difficult

• Relationship conflict is increasing

• You feel emotionally disconnected

• Sexual concerns are affecting self-confidence

• Trust has been damaged

• You want to strengthen your relationship

• Anxiety is interfering with intimacy

You do not need to be experiencing a crisis to benefit from therapy.

Many people attend counselling simply because they want a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

How Sex Therapy and Intimacy Counselling Can Help

Professional support can help individuals and couples better understand their experiences and develop practical strategies for positive change.

Improving Communication

Many intimacy concerns are linked to difficulties discussing needs, expectations, fears, or desires.

Counselling helps create healthier communication patterns and greater understanding between partners.

Rebuilding Emotional Connection

Emotional intimacy often forms the foundation of physical intimacy.

Therapy can help couples reconnect emotionally and strengthen their relationship bond.

Addressing Anxiety and Shame

Many people carry feelings of embarrassment, guilt, or shame about intimacy.

A supportive therapeutic environment can help reduce self-judgment and increase confidence.

Exploring Relationship Patterns

Therapists help identify recurring relationship patterns that may be contributing to conflict or disconnection.

Developing Practical Strategies

Counselling can provide practical tools for:

• Communication

• Emotional connection

• Boundary setting

• Managing conflict

• Building trust

• Enhancing intimacy

Therapeutic Approaches That May Be Used

Several evidence-informed approaches may be incorporated into intimacy counselling.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT helps couples understand emotional needs and strengthen attachment bonds.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help identify thoughts and beliefs that contribute to anxiety, avoidance, or relationship difficulties.

Relationship Counselling

Relationship counselling focuses on improving communication, trust, understanding, and connection.

Sex Therapy Approaches

Specialised sex therapy interventions may support individuals and couples experiencing concerns relating to desire, intimacy, confidence, and sexual wellbeing.

What to Expect During a Sex Therapy Session

Many people feel nervous before their first appointment.

This is completely normal.

During your initial session, your therapist may explore:

• Your current concerns

• Relationship history

• Personal goals

• Communication patterns

• Emotional wellbeing

• Relevant life experiences

Sessions are confidential, respectful, and tailored to your needs.

Importantly, sex therapy consists entirely of conversation and therapeutic guidance.

There is never any physical contact or sexual activity during sessions.

The goal is to help you feel safe, understood, and supported while working towards meaningful change.

ACC and Sexual Trauma Support in New Zealand

If intimacy concerns relate to experiences of sexual harm or sexual trauma, support may be available through New Zealand's ACC Sensitive Claims service.

ACC-funded counselling can help individuals process the impact of sexual trauma and support recovery.

If this applies to you, a qualified therapist can discuss available options and help you understand the referral process.

Taking the First Step Towards Better Intimacy

Many people search online for:

• "sex therapy near me NZ"

• "intimacy counselling Auckland"

• "relationship intimacy help NZ"

• "therapy for intimacy issues NZ"

• "find a counsellor near me NZ"

Making that first enquiry can feel daunting.

However, reaching out for support is often the beginning of positive change.

Whether you attend individually or as a couple, counselling can provide a safe space to explore concerns, strengthen communication, and build deeper connection.

Sex Therapy and Intimacy Counselling in New Zealand

At Intimacy Counselling, we provide professional, compassionate support for individuals and couples experiencing intimacy and relationship challenges.

We understand that discussing sexual and relationship concerns can feel vulnerable.

Our therapists provide a respectful, confidential environment where you can explore your experiences without judgment.

Together, we can work towards greater understanding, healthier communication, stronger emotional connection, and improved relationship wellbeing.

Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?

You don't have to navigate intimacy challenges alone.

Whether you're experiencing communication difficulties, loss of connection, mismatched desire, sexual anxiety, or relationship stress, support is available.

Contact Intimacy Counselling today to book a confidential session and take the first step towards a healthier, more connected relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy is a specialised form of counselling that helps individuals and couples address concerns relating to intimacy, sexuality, relationships, and emotional wellbeing through conversation-based therapy.

Is sex therapy only for couples?

No. Individuals frequently attend sex therapy to explore personal concerns relating to intimacy, relationships, sexual confidence, or emotional wellbeing.

Is sex therapy confidential?

Yes. Sessions are confidential and conducted in a safe, professional environment.

Can intimacy counselling help improve relationships?

Yes. Many people find that improving communication, understanding emotional needs, and addressing relationship challenges strengthens overall relationship satisfaction.

How many sessions will I need?

The number of sessions varies depending on your goals and circumstances. Some people benefit from short-term support, while others prefer longer-term counselling.

Is ACC available for intimacy concerns?

ACC may provide funding through Sensitive Claims if your concerns relate to experiences of sexual trauma or sexual harm. Your therapist can discuss whether this pathway may be appropriate.

Affair Recovery Counselling in NZ: How Therapy Can Help Rebuild Trust and Heal Relationships

Affair recovery counselling in NZ can help couples heal after infidelity, rebuild trust, and improve communication through compassionate therapy support.

Affair Recovery Counselling in NZ: How Therapy Can Help Rebuild Trust and Heal Relationships

Discovering an affair or betrayal in a relationship can feel devastating. Many people describe it as one of the most painful emotional experiences they have ever faced. Whether the affair was emotional, physical, online, or ongoing, the impact can leave both partners feeling shocked, overwhelmed, angry, confused, or deeply hurt.

If you are searching for “affair recovery counselling NZ,” “relationship therapy after cheating NZ,” or “find a counsellor near me NZ,” you are not alone. Many couples across New Zealand seek professional support after infidelity because rebuilding trust without guidance can feel incredibly difficult.

The good news is that healing is possible. While not every relationship survives infidelity, many couples are able to repair communication, understand what happened, rebuild emotional safety, and move forward in healthier ways through counselling.

At Intimacy Counselling, we support individuals and couples throughout New Zealand who are navigating the emotional impact of affairs, betrayal, trust issues, and relationship conflict.

Understanding the Impact of Infidelity

An affair can shake the foundation of a relationship. It often creates a deep sense of emotional insecurity and loss, especially when trust has been broken unexpectedly.

People affected by infidelity often experience:

• Shock or disbelief

• Anxiety and panic

• Difficulty sleeping

• Constant overthinking

• Anger or resentment

• Low self-esteem

• Emotional numbness

• Intrusive thoughts or images

• Loss of trust

• Feelings of rejection or abandonment

• Depression or hopelessness

For some people, discovering infidelity can feel traumatic. Everyday activities may suddenly feel difficult, and emotions can become intense or unpredictable.

The partner who had the affair may also experience overwhelming guilt, shame, confusion, or regret. Some people feel trapped between wanting to repair the relationship and not knowing how to rebuild trust.

Why Affairs Happen

Affairs are complex and can happen for many different reasons. Understanding why the betrayal occurred does not excuse hurtful behaviour, but it can help couples explore underlying relationship dynamics more honestly.

Some contributing factors may include:

• Emotional disconnection

• Poor communication

• Unresolved conflict

• Loneliness

• Stress or burnout

• Lack of intimacy

• Attachment issues

• Low self-worth

• Major life transitions

• Trauma history

• Opportunity and poor boundaries

In some situations, the affair reflects deeper patterns within the relationship. In others, it may be linked to individual struggles or impulsive decisions.

Every relationship is different, which is why personalised therapy for affair recovery in NZ can be so valuable.

Emotional Affairs vs Physical Affairs

Many people wonder whether emotional affairs “count” as cheating. The reality is that emotional betrayal can be just as painful as physical infidelity.

An emotional affair may involve:

• Secret emotional intimacy

• Constant messaging or communication

• Sharing personal details outside the relationship

• Romantic attachment

• Hiding conversations from a partner

• Prioritising another person emotionally

Some couples experience both emotional and physical betrayal at the same time.

Regardless of the type of affair, the emotional impact on trust and security can be significant.

How Affair Recovery Counselling Can Help

Relationship counselling provides a structured, supportive space where couples can process betrayal safely and constructively.

Affair recovery counselling in New Zealand often focuses on:

• Rebuilding trust

• Improving communication

• Understanding emotional needs

• Managing intense emotions

• Processing hurt and betrayal

• Re-establishing boundaries

• Exploring whether reconciliation is possible

• Supporting emotional healing for both partners

Therapy is not about blaming one person or deciding whether a couple should stay together. Instead, counselling helps people understand their experiences more clearly and make informed decisions about the future of the relationship.

Many couples searching “therapy for infidelity NZ” or “relationship counselling after cheating” are looking for support because conversations at home often become repetitive, emotionally charged, or shut down completely.

A trained counsellor can help create safer communication patterns and reduce emotional escalation.

Signs You May Benefit from Affair Recovery Counselling

You do not need to wait until the relationship completely breaks down before seeking support.

Counselling may help if:

• You are constantly arguing about the affair

• One or both partners feel emotionally disconnected

• Trust feels impossible to rebuild

• You are experiencing anxiety or panic after discovering cheating

• Communication feels hostile or avoidant

• You feel emotionally stuck

• You cannot stop checking phones, messages, or social media

• You are unsure whether to stay or leave

• Intimacy has become difficult

• The relationship feels unstable

Many people also search:

• “I need relationship help NZ”

• “How to recover after cheating”

• “Couples counselling NZ”

• “Therapy for affair recovery NZ”

• “Marriage counselling after infidelity”

Seeking help early can often prevent further emotional damage and improve the chances of healthy communication and healing.

What Happens in Affair Recovery Counselling?

If you have never attended couples therapy before, it is normal to feel nervous or uncertain about what to expect.

The first session usually involves:

• Understanding the relationship history

• Exploring the impact of the affair

• Identifying immediate concerns

• Discussing communication patterns

• Clarifying therapy goals

The counsellor may meet with both partners together, and sometimes individually if appropriate.

Therapy Is a Safe and Neutral Space

A professional counsellor does not “take sides.” Instead, the focus is on helping both people feel heard while creating accountability, emotional safety, and healthier communication.

Sessions may include:

• Guided conversations

• Communication exercises

• Emotional processing

• Conflict resolution strategies

• Rebuilding trust practices

• Boundary-setting work

• Exploring attachment and emotional needs

Healing from betrayal takes time. Counselling helps create structure and support during what is often an emotionally chaotic period.

Types of Therapy Used in Affair Recovery

Different therapeutic approaches may be used depending on the couple’s needs.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT helps couples understand emotional disconnection, attachment needs, and relationship patterns. It is widely used in couples counselling.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help identify unhelpful thinking patterns, anxiety, self-blame, or emotional triggers after infidelity.

Trauma-Informed Counselling

For some individuals, betrayal can create trauma-like symptoms. Trauma-informed therapy supports emotional regulation and safety.

Individual Counselling

Sometimes one or both partners benefit from individual therapy alongside couples counselling, especially if anxiety, depression, trauma, or self-esteem concerns are present.

Affair Recovery and Māori Perspectives on Relationships

In Aotearoa New Zealand, relationships are often deeply connected to whānau, identity, culture, and community.

For Māori, wellbeing may involve:

• Whānau relationships

• Wairua (spiritual wellbeing)

• Connection and belonging

• Respectful communication

• Collective healing

A culturally responsive counsellor recognises that relationship difficulties can affect not just individuals, but wider family systems and support networks.

Therapy should feel respectful, culturally safe, and inclusive of each person’s values and experiences.

Is Affair Recovery Counselling Available Online in NZ?

Yes. Many couples and individuals access online relationship counselling throughout New Zealand.

Online therapy can be especially helpful if you:

• Live outside major cities

• Have busy schedules

• Prefer privacy

• Feel more comfortable attending from home

• Need flexible appointment times

Online counselling allows couples to access professional support from anywhere in New Zealand.

Does ACC Cover Relationship Counselling?

ACC generally does not cover standard couples counselling or affair recovery counselling unless the therapy is connected to an approved ACC-sensitive claim or trauma-related support.

However, some individuals may access counselling support through workplace wellbeing programmes, EAP services, or private health insurance.

Rebuilding Trust Takes Time

After infidelity, many people wonder:

• “Can trust ever come back?”

• “Will the relationship ever feel normal again?”

• “Should we stay together?”

There is no single answer that fits every couple.

Some relationships end after betrayal, while others become stronger through honest communication, accountability, and healing work.

What matters most is having the support and space to make decisions thoughtfully rather than reacting purely from pain or fear.

Book Affair Recovery Counselling in New Zealand

If you are struggling after infidelity, you do not have to navigate it alone.

At Intimacy Counselling, we provide compassionate, confidential counselling in New Zealand for couples and individuals experiencing:

• Affair recovery

• Relationship conflict

• Trust issues

• Emotional disconnection

• Anxiety and stress related to relationships

• Intimacy concerns

We offer online and in-person therapy designed to support healing, communication, and emotional wellbeing.

Whether you want to repair your relationship, understand what happened, or gain clarity about your future, professional support can help.

Contact Intimacy Counselling today to book a session or learn more about therapy for affair recovery NZ.

Frequently Asked Questions About Affair Recovery Counselling NZ

Can a relationship survive cheating?

Yes, some relationships do recover after infidelity, especially when both partners are willing to engage honestly in the healing process. Counselling can help support communication and trust rebuilding.

How long does affair recovery take?

Healing timelines vary. Some couples notice improvements within months, while others require longer-term support depending on the complexity of the relationship and betrayal.

Is online couples counselling effective?

Yes. Online relationship counselling can be highly effective and offers flexible access for couples across New Zealand.

Should we attend counselling together or separately?

Some couples attend together, while others combine couples therapy with individual counselling. A therapist can help determine what approach may work best.

What if I am unsure whether I want to stay in the relationship?

That is completely normal. Counselling can help you explore your feelings, values, and options without pressure or judgment.

How do I find relationship help NZ?

Searching for “relationship counselling NZ,” “therapy for affair recovery NZ,” or “find a counsellor near me NZ” can help you locate qualified support services across New Zealand.

Can counselling help with trust issues after cheating?

Yes. Therapy often focuses specifically on rebuilding trust, communication, emotional safety, and healthier relationship patterns after betrayal.

Emotional vs Physical Intimacy Explained: Why Both Matter in Healthy Relationships

Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy, why both matter, and how relationship counselling in New Zealand can help couples reconnect.

Emotional vs Physical Intimacy Explained

Many people enter relationships hoping to feel deeply connected, loved, understood, and desired. But over time, couples can find themselves asking difficult questions:

• “Why do we feel emotionally distant?”

• “Why has physical intimacy changed?”

• “Can a relationship survive without intimacy?”

• “Why do I feel lonely even when I’m with my partner?”

These experiences are more common than many people realise.

One of the biggest areas of confusion in relationships is understanding the difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy - and why both are important for a healthy partnership.

Some couples have physical closeness but struggle emotionally. Others feel emotionally connected but disconnected physically. Sometimes both forms of intimacy become strained due to stress, trauma, parenting, work pressure, mental health challenges, or unresolved conflict.

The good news is that intimacy can often be rebuilt with understanding, communication, and support.

If you have been searching for:

• “relationship counselling NZ”

• “therapy for intimacy issues NZ”

• “emotional intimacy help NZ”

• “find a couples counsellor near me NZ”

This article will help you better understand intimacy and how counselling can support healthier, more connected relationships.

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the feeling of being emotionally safe, understood, accepted, and connected with another person.

It is the ability to:

• Share your thoughts and feelings openly

• Feel emotionally supported

• Trust your partner

• Be vulnerable without fear of judgment

• Feel seen, valued, and respected

Emotional intimacy often develops through:

• Honest communication

• Empathy

• Shared experiences

• Emotional availability

• Consistency and trust

In healthy relationships, emotional intimacy creates a sense of closeness that goes beyond physical attraction.

Signs of Strong Emotional Intimacy

You may have healthy emotional intimacy if you and your partner:

• Feel comfortable discussing difficult topics

• Support each other during stressful times

• Listen without immediately becoming defensive

• Feel emotionally safe together

• Can express needs, fears, and hopes openly

• Enjoy meaningful conversations

What Is Physical Intimacy?

Physical Intimacy refers to physical closeness and affection between people.

This can include:

• Hugging

• Holding hands

• Kissing

• Touch

• Sexual connection

• Physical affection and comfort

Physical intimacy is not only about sex. Many people need non-sexual touch and closeness to feel connected and reassured in relationships.

For some couples, physical intimacy is a major way they express love and connection. For others, emotional closeness may feel more important.

Healthy relationships often involve understanding and respecting each person’s intimacy needs.

Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: What’s the Difference?

Although emotional and physical intimacy are connected, they are not the same thing.

Emotional Intimacy Is About:

• Feeling emotionally connected

• Trust and vulnerability

• Psychological safety

• Being understood

Physical Intimacy Is About:

• Physical closeness and affection

• Sexual connection

• Touch and comfort

• Expressing affection physically

Some people feel emotionally connected before wanting physical intimacy. Others feel emotionally connected through physical affection.

Problems can arise when partners experience intimacy differently or when one type of intimacy is missing.

Why Intimacy Problems Happen in Relationships

Many couples assume intimacy problems mean the relationship is failing. In reality, intimacy challenges are extremely common and often repairable.

Stress and Busy Lifestyles

Modern life can leave couples emotionally exhausted. Parenting, work pressure, financial stress, and burnout can reduce emotional availability and physical connection.

Poor Communication

When couples stop communicating openly, emotional distance often grows.

Unspoken resentment, misunderstandings, or unresolved conflict can affect both emotional and physical intimacy.

Trauma or Past Experiences

Past trauma, including childhood experiences, sexual harm, betrayal, or unhealthy relationships, can impact how safe intimacy feels.

In New Zealand, some people may also access support through ACC Sensitive Claims if trauma relates to sexual abuse or assault experiences.

Mental Health Challenges

Anxiety, depression, stress, and low self-esteem can affect energy, desire, communication, and emotional closeness.

Many people searching:

• “I need help with anxiety”

• “therapy for relationship anxiety NZ”

• “why do I avoid intimacy?”

are often dealing with emotional struggles underneath relationship difficulties.

Different Attachment Styles

People develop different ways of connecting emotionally based on early life experiences.

Some people fear closeness, while others fear abandonment. These patterns can affect intimacy in adult relationships.

What Emotional Disconnection Can Feel Like

When emotional intimacy weakens, people often describe feeling:

• Lonely within the relationship

• Unappreciated or misunderstood

• Rejected

• Emotionally unsafe

• Disconnected during conversations

• More like housemates than partners

Over time, emotional distance can affect physical intimacy too.

Couples may begin avoiding affection, intimacy, or meaningful conversations altogether.

When to Seek Help for Intimacy Issues

It can be helpful to seek relationship counselling if:

• Communication feels difficult or tense

• You avoid emotional conversations

• Physical intimacy has significantly changed

• One partner feels rejected or disconnected

• Conflict keeps repeating

• Trust has been damaged

• Stress or anxiety is affecting the relationship

• You feel emotionally lonely in the relationship

Seeking support early can prevent problems from becoming more deeply entrenched.

Relationship counselling is not only for couples in crisis. Many couples use therapy to strengthen communication, rebuild closeness, and better understand each other.

How Counselling Can Help With Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Relationship counselling provides a safe, supportive environment to explore patterns that may be affecting connection.

At Intimacy Counselling, therapy focuses on helping individuals and couples build healthier, more emotionally connected relationships.

Counselling Can Help You:

• Improve communication

• Rebuild trust

• Understand emotional needs

• Strengthen emotional connection

• Address conflict patterns

• Explore barriers to physical intimacy

• Develop healthier relationship habits

• Increase emotional safety and vulnerability

Types of Therapy That May Help

Couples Counselling

Couples therapy helps partners communicate more openly and understand each other’s perspectives.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT focuses on emotional connection, attachment, and relationship bonding.

Trauma-Informed Therapy

For people with past trauma, therapy can help create safety and reduce fear around intimacy.

Individual Counselling

Sometimes individual therapy helps people better understand their own emotional patterns, attachment style, or anxiety around closeness.

What to Expect in Relationship Counselling

Many peopee feel nervous before attending counselling.

You may wonder:

• “Will the therapist take sides?”

• “What if my partner and I argue?”

• “Will therapy be awkward?”

A professional counsellor aims to create a respectful, non-judgmental space for both people.

In early sessions, you may discuss:

• Relationship history

• Communication challenges

• Emotional connection

• Conflict patterns

• Intimacy concerns

• Goals for therapy

You do not need to have all the answers before starting therapy.

Counselling is a process of understanding, growth, and rebuilding connections together.

Intimacy and Cultural Understanding in New Zealand

In Aotearoa New Zealand, emotional wellbeing is often understood holistically.

For Māori, connection may involve:

• Whānau (family/community)

• Wairua (spiritual wellbeing)

• Identity and belonging

• Emotional and relational harmony

Culturally responsive counselling respects the importance of culture, values, identity, and lived experience within relationships.

Feeling culturally safe in therapy can make a meaningful difference in the healing process.

You Do Not Have To Navigate Relationship Struggles Alone

Intimacy challenges can feel painful and confusing, but they do not automatically mean your relationship is broken.

With support, many couples and individuals learn how to:

• Communicate more openly

• Feel emotionally safer

• Rebuild physical closeness

• Strengthen trust and connection

If you have been searching for:

• “emotional intimacy help NZ”

• “therapy for intimacy issues NZ”

• “relationship counselling in New Zealand”

• “find a counsellor near me NZ”

professional support is available.

At Intimacy Counselling, we offer compassionate counselling for individuals and couples wanting to build healthier, more connected relationships.

Taking the first step toward support can help create meaningful change.

Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy?

Yes. Some relationships are emotionally close but have limited physical intimacy. However, both forms of connection are important for many couples.

Can physical intimacy exist without emotional intimacy?

Yes, but many people eventually feel emotionally disconnected if emotional closeness is missing.

Why do I struggle with emotional intimacy?

Emotional intimacy difficulties can relate to past experiences, trauma, attachment patterns, anxiety, trust issues, or fear of vulnerability.

Is relationship counselling worth it?

Many couples find counselling helpful for improving communication, rebuilding trust, and strengthening emotional connection.

What therapy helps intimacy issues?

Couples counselling, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), trauma-informed therapy, and individual counselling can all support intimacy challenges.

Can anxiety affect intimacy?

Yes. Anxiety can affect emotional availability, communication, trust, physical closeness, and sexual intimacy.

How do I find a relationship counsellor in New Zealand?

Look for a counsellor who is experienced, compassionate, culturally responsive, and someone both partners feel comfortable with.

Take the First Step Toward Reconnection

Healthy intimacy is not about perfection. It is about feeling emotionally safe, valued, connected, and understood.

If you are ready to strengthen your relationship, rebuild trust, or better understand intimacy,Intimacy Counselling is here to support you.

How to Talk About Sex Without Conflict: A Guide for Couples in New Zealand

Learn how to talk about sex without conflict in your relationship. Discover practical communication tips and intimacy counselling support in New Zealand.

Talking About Sex Can Feel Hard - But You’re Not Alone!

Many couples in Aotearoa New Zealand struggle to talk openly about sex, intimacy, and physical connection. Even in loving relationships, conversations about sex can quickly turn into arguments, defensiveness, silence, or hurt feelings.You might be searching things like:“How do I talk to my partner about intimacy?”, “Why do we fight about sex?”, “Therapy for intimacy issues NZ”, “Relationship counselling near me”, “I need help with my relationship”. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone - and it does not mean your relationship is broken.

Sex and intimacy are deeply personal topics. They can bring up vulnerability, shame, fear of rejection, cultural expectations, past experiences, stress, parenting pressures, and differences in desire. For many people, it is easier to avoid the conversation altogether than risk conflict.The good news is that healthy communication about sex can be learned. With support, couples can rebuild emotional safety, improve intimacy, and feel closer again.

Why Talking About Sex Often Leads to Conflict

Sex Is About More Than Sex

Arguments about intimacy are rarely just about physical connection. Often, they are connected to emotional needs such as:

• Feeling wanted or desired

• Feeling emotionally close

• Fear of rejection

• Feeling pressured or criticised

• Stress, exhaustion, or burnout

• Differences in libido

• Parenting demands

• Body image concerns

• Cultural or religious beliefs

• Past relationship experiences or trauma.

  One partner may feel rejected, while the other feels pressured. Over time, couples can get stuck in painful cycles where both people feel misunderstood.

Common Signs of Intimacy Communication Problems

You may notice:

• Avoiding conversations about sex

• Arguments that escalate quickly

• Feeling anxious bringing up intimacy

• Emotional distance in the relationship

• Mismatched sexual desire

• Feeling unwanted or criticised

• Resentment building over time

• Difficulty expressing needs or boundaries

• Shame or embarrassment around sex

Many New Zealand couples experience these challenges quietly, believing they “should” be able to fix it themselves. But relationship and intimacy difficulties are extremely common.

The Impact of Avoiding the Conversation

When couples stop talking openly about intimacy, emotional distance often grows. Over time, this can lead to:

• Reduced trust and connection

• Increased loneliness within the relationship

• Misunderstandings and assumptions

• Lower self-esteem

• Anxiety or depression

• Ongoing relationship stress

  For some people, intimacy conflict can also affect work, parenting, sleep, and overall wellbeing.

  In Aotearoa, many people are raised with limited education about healthy communication around sex and relationships. Conversations about intimacy may have been seen as embarrassing, taboo, or unsafe growing up. This can make honest discussions feel uncomfortable as adults.

Understanding Different Cultural Perspectives on Intimacy

Healthy relationships are shaped by culture, values, family experiences, spirituality, and identity.

In Māori models of wellbeing such as Te Whare Tapa Whā, wellbeing includes emotional, spiritual, physical, and relational health. Intimacy and connection can be understood as part of holistic wellbeing - not simply physical behaviour.

For some people, discussing sex openly may feel unfamiliar or culturally sensitive. Good counselling creates a respectful, non-judgemental space that honours different backgrounds, beliefs, sexual identities, and relationship styles.

When Should You Seek Help?

It may help to seek support if:Conversations about sex always end in conflictYou avoid intimacy discussions completelyOne or both partners feel emotionally disconnectedThere is ongoing resentment or hurtIntimacy issues are affecting mental healthYou feel stuck repeating the same argumentsCommunication feels unsafe or hostileYou want to rebuild trust and closenessYou do not need to wait until the relationship is in crisis.Many couples benefit from counselling early, before patterns become deeply entrenched.Searching for terms like:“Intimacy counselling NZ”“Relationship therapy New Zealand”“Couples counselling near me NZ”“Help for relationship communication problems”is often the first step toward positive change.

How Intimacy Counselling Can Help

Creating a Safe Space to Talk

One of the biggest benefits of counselling is having a calm, neutral environment where both people can speak honestly without blame or interruption.

A counsellor helps slow conversations down so both partners feel heard and understood.

Learning Healthier Communication Skills

Counselling can help couples:

• Express needs more clearly

• Listen without becoming defensive

• Reduce criticism and blame

• Build emotional safetyUnderstand each other’s perspectives

• Reconnect emotionally and physically

Addressing Underlying Issues

Sometimes intimacy struggles are connected to:

• Anxiety or depression

• Stress or burnout

• Parenting pressures

• Trauma

• Grief or loss

• Hormonal or health changes

• Relationship trust issues

  Therapy can help identify and work through these deeper factors.

Evidence-Based Approaches Used in Counselling

Many counsellors in New Zealand use evidence-based approaches such as:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps couples understand emotional patterns and rebuild connection.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Supports healthier thinking patterns and communication habits.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Helps people respond more compassionately to difficult emotions and relationship challenges.

Gottman Method Techniques: Focuses on improving communication, conflict resolution, and emotional connection.These approaches are supported by relationship research and commonly used in modern couples therapy.

What Happens in an Intimacy Counselling Session?

Many people feel nervous before their first session. That is completely normal.

A typical session may include:

• Talking about your relationship history

• Discussing current concerns

• Exploring communication patterns

• Identifying triggers and emotional reactions

• Learning practical tools for communication and connection

  You will not be forced to share anything you are uncomfortable discussing. A good therapist works at a pace that feels safe and respectful for both people.

  Some sessions may involve both partners together, while others may occasionally include individual conversations if appropriate. Many counselling services in New Zealand also offer online therapy, making support more accessible for busy couples or those outside major cities.

You Do Not Have to Figure This Out Alone

Many couples wait years before seeking support because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. But reaching out for help is not a sign of failure. It is often a sign that you care deeply about your relationship and want things to improve.

Professional support can help couples move from:

• Conflict to understanding

• Distance to connection

• Avoidance to honest communication

  If you have been searching for:

• “find a counsellor near me NZ”, “relationship help NZ”, “therapy for intimacy issues NZ”, “couples counselling Auckland”, “counselling in New Zealand” - know that support is available.

Book an Intimacy Counselling Session in New Zealand

You deserve a relationship where both people feel heard, respected, emotionally safe, and connected. Intimacy counselling can help you:

• Communicate more openly

• Reduce conflict

• Build trust

• Strengthen emotional and physical connection

  Whether you are experiencing ongoing arguments, emotional distance, or simply want to improve communication, counselling offers a supportive place to start.

  Intimacy Counselling New Zealand offers online and in-person support for individuals and couples across New Zealand.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for couples to struggle talking about sex?

Yes. Many couples find conversations about intimacy difficult, especially if they fear conflict, rejection, or embarrassment.

Can relationship counselling help with intimacy problems?

Yes. Couples counselling and intimacy therapy can help improve communication, emotional connection, and understanding between partners.

Do both partners need to attend counselling?

Not always. Individual counselling can still help improve communication patterns and relationship awareness, even if one partner is not ready to attend.

Is online relationship counselling available in New Zealand?

Yes. Many counsellors offer secure online sessions throughout New Zealand.

What if we have different sex drives?

Differences in desire are very common in long-term relationships. Counselling can help couples understand each other’s needs and reduce conflict around intimacy.

Is counselling confidential?

Yes. Counselling sessions are private and confidential, except in situations involving safety concerns or legal obligations.

Why Couples Lose Intimacy (and How to Rebuild It) – A New Zealand Guide

Struggling with intimacy in your relationship? Learn why couples lose connection and how counselling in New Zealand can help rebuild closeness.

Feeling Distant in Your Relationship?

You might still love your partner - but something feels different.

Conversations are shorter. Physical affection has faded. You feel more like flatmates than a couple. Maybe you’ve even caught yourself searching things like “why don’t I feel close to my partner anymore”, “relationship help NZ”, or “find a counsellor near me NZ”.

Loss of intimacy is one of the most common challenges couples face. It can happen slowly over time, or after a stressful life event. The important thing to know is this: it’s common, it’s understandable, and it can be rebuilt.

What Is Intimacy (really)?

Intimacy is more than just physical closeness. It includes:

• Emotional intimacy – feeling safe, understood, and connected

• Physical intimacy – affection, touch, and sexual connection

• Mental intimacy – sharing thoughts, ideas, and experiences

• Relational intimacy – trust, communication, and shared meaning

When intimacy is strong, relationships feel warm, supportive, and secure. When it fades, people often feel lonely - even when they’re not alone.

Signs Intimacy May Be Fading

Loss of intimacy doesn’t always show up dramatically. It’s often subtle at first. 

Common Signs

• Less physical affection (hugging, touching, sex)

• Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected

• Avoiding meaningful conversations

• Increased conflict or, conversely, no communication at all

• Feeling unappreciated or misunderstood

• Spending less quality time together

• Turning to phones, work, or distractions instead of each other

Many people describe it as:

• “We just don’t talk like we used to.”

• “I feel alone in the relationship.”

• “Something is missing, but I can’t explain it.”

Why Do Couples Lose Intimacy?

There’s rarely just one reason. Intimacy tends to fade when multiple pressures build up over time.

1. Stress and Busy Lives

Work demands, parenting, finances, and daily responsibilities can leave little time or energy for connection.

In Aotearoa, rising living costs and work pressures are common stressors affecting relationships.

2. Poor Communication

When couples stop sharing openly, or feel unheard - emotional distance grows. Small misunderstandings can build into larger disconnection over time.

3. Unresolved Conflict

Avoided or ongoing conflict creates tension and emotional barriers. Even when arguments stop, the underlying disconnection may remain.

4. Changes in Physical Intimacy

Differences in desire, health issues, or life transitions (e.g., having children) can affect physical closeness. This can lead to feelings of rejection or insecurity if not addressed.

5. Emotional Disconnection

When partners feel unsupported or misunderstood, they may begin to withdraw emotionally as a form of self-protection.

6. Life Transitions

Major life changes such as moving, career shifts, grief, or illness can disrupt connection.

7. Trauma or Trust Issues

Past experiences, including relationship trauma, can make intimacy feel unsafe.

In some cases, support through ACC-funded counselling in New Zealand may be available.

How It Feels to Lose Intimacy

Loss of intimacy can be deeply painful.

People often describe:

• Loneliness within the relationship

• Confusion about what changed

• Fear that the relationship is failing

• Resentment or emotional withdrawal

• Doubt about themselves or their partner

If you’ve been thinking “I need help with my relationship” or “therapy for relationship problems NZ”, that’s an important sign that something needs attention - not a sign of failure.

When Should You Seek Help?

It may be time to consider support if:

• You feel emotionally or physically disconnected

• Communication has broken down

• Conflict feels unresolved or repetitive

• You’re avoiding each other

• Intimacy has significantly reduced or disappeared

• You feel stuck and unsure how to reconnect

Seeking help early can prevent deeper disconnection and rebuild trust more effectively.

How Counselling Can Help Rebuild Intimacy

Professional counselling in New Zealand can help couples understand what’s happening beneath the surface and rebuild connection in a safe, guided way.

At Intimacy Counselling NZ, therapy focuses on helping couples reconnect emotionally and physically.

Evidence-Based Approaches

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Helps couples understand emotional patterns and rebuild secure attachment.

Gottman Method Therapy
Focuses on communication, conflict resolution, and strengthening friendship within the relationship.

Sex Therapy
Addresses challenges related to physical intimacy, desire, and connection.

Relationship Counselling
Provides a supportive space to explore concerns, improve communication, and rebuild trust.

Therapy is not about blaming—it’s about understanding and reconnecting.

What to Expect in a Counselling Session

Starting therapy can feel vulnerable, especially as a couple.

Here’s what typically happens:

• A safe, neutral space where both partners are heard

• Exploration of your relationship history and current challenges

• Identification of patterns that may be causing disconnection

• Guided conversations to improve communication

• Practical tools to rebuild intimacy

You don’t need to have everything figured out before attending.

Even saying, “We feel disconnected and don’t know how to fix it” is enough.

A Holistic Perspective on Relationships in Aotearoa

In New Zealand, wellbeing is often viewed holistically.

The Māori model Te Whare Tapa Whā reminds us that relationships are connected to:

• Taha hinengaro (emotional wellbeing)

• Taha tinana (physical connection)

• Taha whānau (relationships and family)

• Taha wairua (meaning and purpose)

When intimacy is lost, it can affect all these areas—making reconnection an important part of overall wellbeing.

Ready to Reconnect?

If you’ve been searching “relationship help NZ”, “therapy for intimacy issues NZ”, or “find a counsellor near me NZ”, this could be the right time to take the next step.

At Intimacy Counselling NZ, we provide professional, compassionate support for couples who want to rebuild connection and strengthen their relationship.

We offer:

• Confidential couples counselling

• Online and in-person sessions

• Support for emotional and physical intimacy

• A non-judgemental, experienced approach

Book a session today and start rebuilding closeness, trust, and connection.

You Don’t Have to Stay Disconnected

Losing intimacy can feel confusing and painful—but it doesn’t mean your relationship is over.

With the right support, many couples rediscover connection, closeness, and understanding.

Reach out to Intimacy Counselling NZ today and take the first step toward rebuilding your relationship.

Signs Your Relationship Needs Counselling in New Zealand: When to Seek Help and What to Do Next

Worried about your relationship? Learn the signs you may need couples counselling in New Zealand and how therapy can help you reconnect.

Feeling Disconnected in Your Relationship?

Relationships go through ups and downs - that’s completely normal. But sometimes, things start to feel harder than they should.

You might be wondering:

• “Is this just a rough patch, or something more?”

• “Should we get relationship counselling?”

• “Can therapy actually help us?”

If you’ve searched “relationship help NZ” or “therapy for couples NZ”, you’re not alone. Many couples across Aotearoa reach a point where they need extra support.

The good news is: seeking help early can make a real difference.

What Are the Signs Your Relationship Needs Counselling?

It’s not always obvious when to reach out. Often, the signs build gradually over time.

1. Communication Has Broken Down

You may find:

• Conversations turn into arguments

• Issues never feel resolved

• One or both of you avoid talking altogether

Healthy communication is the foundation of any relationship. When it breaks down, disconnection often follows.

2. You’re Arguing More - or Not at All

Frequent conflict can be exhausting. But surprisingly, no conflict at all can also be a concern.

You might notice:

• The same arguments repeating

• Escalating tension over small things

• Emotional withdrawal or silence

Both patterns can signal deeper unmet needs.

3. You Feel Emotionally Distant

You may feel:

• Lonely, even when you’re together

• Less affection or intimacy

• Like you’re “living separate lives”

Emotional distance is one of the most common reasons couples seek relationship counselling in New Zealand.

4. Trust Has Been Damaged

Trust can be affected by:

• Infidelity

• Dishonesty

• Broken promises

Rebuilding trust is possible — but it often requires guided support.

5. Intimacy Has Changed

This can include:

• Reduced physical closeness

• Feeling disconnected during intimacy

• Avoiding affection altogether

At Intimacy Counselling NZ, this is a key area where many couples seek support.

6. Life Stress Is Affecting Your Relationship

External pressures can spill into your relationship:

• Work stress

• Financial pressure

• Parenting challenges

• Health concerns

In Aotearoa, balancing whānau, work, and personal wellbeing can be challenging - and relationships often carry that strain.

7. You’re Thinking About Leaving

If you’ve had thoughts like:

• “Would I be better off alone?”

• “Is this relationship worth it?”

It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over, but it is a strong sign that support could help.

Why Do Relationships Reach This Point?

There’s rarely one single cause. Instead, it’s usually a combination of factors over time.

Common Underlying Issues

• Unmet emotional needs

• Poor communication patterns

• Stress and burnout

• Different expectations or values

• Past experiences or trauma

From a New Zealand perspective, it’s also important to recognise the role of cultural identity, whānau dynamics, and social pressures.

Māori models of wellbeing, such as Te Whare Tapa Whā, highlight the importance of balance between:

• Hinengaro (mental/emotional wellbeing)

• Whānau (relationships and family)

• Wairua (spiritual wellbeing)

• Tinana (physical health)

When one area is out of balance, relationships can be affected.

When Should You Seek Relationship Help?

Many couples wait until things feel “really bad” — but early support is often more effective.

You Might Benefit from Counselling If:

• Issues keep repeating without resolution

• You feel disconnected or misunderstood

• Communication feels difficult or unsafe

• Trust has been broken

• You want to improve your relationship, not just “fix” it

If you’re searching “relationship counselling near me NZ” or “couples therapy NZ cost”, it’s likely time to explore support.

How Couples Counselling Can Help

Counselling offers a safe, neutral space where both partners can be heard and understood.

Evidence-Based Approaches Used in NZ

Therapists in New Zealand often use:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Helps couples understand emotional needs and strengthen connection

• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Identifies unhelpful thought and behaviour patterns

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Supports values-based action and emotional acceptance

These approaches are supported by organisations like the New Zealand Ministry of Health and international research.

What You Can Gain from Therapy

• Better communication skills

• Deeper emotional connection

• Tools to manage conflict

• Rebuilding trust and intimacy

• Clarity about your relationship’s future

Couples often say therapy helps them understand each other in ways they hadn’t before.

What to Expect in a Counselling Session

Starting therapy can feel like a big step - especially as a couple.

First Session

Your therapist will typically:

• Get to know both of you

• Ask about your relationship history

• Explore current challenges

• Help you set shared goals

It’s not about taking sides — it’s about understanding both perspectives.

Ongoing Sessions

Sessions may include:

• Guided conversations

• Communication exercises

• Exploring emotional patterns

• Practical strategies to try at home

In New Zealand, many services offer both in-person and online couples therapy, making it accessible across the country.

Relationship Counselling in New Zealand: Taking the Next Step

Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable - but it’s also a sign of commitment to your relationship.

At Intimacy Counselling NZ, we support individuals and couples across Aotearoa with:

• Relationship and intimacy concerns

• Communication challenges

• Trust and connection issues

Whether you’re feeling disconnected or simply want to strengthen your relationship, support is available.

If you’ve been searching:

• “relationship help NZ”

• “therapy for couples NZ”

• “find a relationship counsellor near me NZ”

You’re already taking the first step.

Book a Couples Counselling Session Today

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

Our experienced therapists offer:

• A safe, non-judgemental space

• Evidence-based approaches

• Online and in-person sessions across New Zealand

Strong relationships aren’t about avoiding challenges - they’re about learning how to face them together.

How to Date With Resilience

Dating in today’s world can feel exhausting and discouraging. With dating apps, increased options, ghosting, manipulation, breaking of trust, narcissism, porn conditioned brains, and “grass is greener” thinking, it’s no wonder many people lose confidence and hope along the way.

The other problem is that many people who are genuinely ready for healthy, committed relationships are already in them, which means 80% of the dating pool is made up of people who aren’t available in the ways we might hope. Because of this, resilience, self-awareness, and emotional tools are essential.

Here are some principles we often share with clients at Intimacy Counselling who are navigating dating and wanting to protect both their heart and their sense of self.

1. Know Your Worth

The number one rule of dating is to protect your worth. Self-worth is the foundation of resilient, healthy dating, and without it, we are far more vulnerable to manipulation, and staying in situations that don’t serve us. I am yet to meet someone who hasn’t had to work on confidence in life.

Not only do our brains think in comparisons, they are also programmed to focus more on negatives. You will remember and replay when Bobby said you were ugly in the primary school playground without question, however you are much less likely to replay all the times people have told you that you are beautiful. Don’t accept less than you deserve because you are scared you aren’t worth more or not loving ourselves enough to be attracted to someone that treats us well. Don’t also be co-dependent on others for your self-worth. Tell yourself daily what you love about yourself, why you are proud of yourself and why you are a great partner.

2. Know What You’re Looking For

Dating without clarity often leads to confusion and disappointment. Spend time identifying and creating the person that would be perfect for you and list the qualities your perfect relationship has.

Accept that there’s no such thing as perfection, but there is clarity around what you can and can’t compromise on. For example, you might be able to compromise on different political views, but being with someone who isn’t family orientated is not something you can compromise on.

Use your list as a guide, not a checklist. Don’t date blindly, look for the qualities on your list in people you date.

3. Remember: Dating Is a Numbers Game

A painful reality is that dating often involves many “no’s” before a “yes”, and the more you are in, the more likely you are to win. A dear friend of mine went on over 100 dates before meeting someone after her marriage broke down. However, the next date she went on (to distract from her grief) she met someone amazing who she is still extremely happy with years later.

New connections usually don’t knock on your door. The more you get out, try new hobbies, say yes to invitations (even if only for an hour), use dating apps intentionally, and keep moving forward when things don’t work out, the more likely you are to meet the type of partner you want. The more you engage, the more likely you are to meet someone aligned with you.

4. Make Dating Work For You

A lot of people are worried about hurting others or themselves when dating, however this is an inevitable part of the dating world. Avoiding connection entirely might feel safer, but it often leads to deeper loneliness. Just be as honest and respectful as you can be to others, while also developing tools to recover emotionally when things don’t work out. No one can predict the future.

Multiple dating is harder for women than men, as they tend to commit before a conversation has been had. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket out of misguided loyalty. They need to give you good reasons to be monogamous, it doesn’t have to be a default.

Try not to over think or take rejection personally. It’s part of the process, just learn from the lessons you are meant to and move on. This is easier said than done, and often harder for women. However, it is difficult to find and be open to someone great for you, if you are stuck on someone that isn't.

Change your internalised view of dating to a more external view. Instead of thinking “What’s wrong with me?, think “It’s because they weren’t right for me, weren’t emotionally available, or weren’t in a place to offer a relationship.” Instead of thinking “why did they ghost me? Why does this always happen to me?”, think “this happens to everyone in the dating scene due to the fact nearly half of all people are in relationships”.

Having a casual lover is great for preventing touch hunger, confidence and resilience. Make sure it’s someone who doesn't play games and is respectful. Just try not to get attached emotionally, which isn’t always easy. Tools for this is to have more than one, don’t go on dates with them, don’t have sleepovers and don’t do too much snuggling.

5. Early Dates Are About Curiosity, Not Commitment

Initial dates aren’t about deciding if someone is “the one”, they’re about deciding whether you want to spend more time with them. Get to date 4-5 before making a decision, unless you really aren’t interested. Desire, lust, and good sex can sometimes make you overlook the reality of someone. We usually choose partners from ‘chemistry’, without knowing that the physiological response to desire is very similar to the physiology response to danger. You may be thinking ‘I want them so much, it must mean something’, but it can be your nervous system saying ‘run, this is going to hurt’. Lots of people say there is something missing when they meet a person who is emotionally available and kind. They usually don’t realise what is missing is games, drama, and a huge risk of being hurt. Of course you need to be attracted to someone, however, great chemistry/sex can grow from great connection and learning from each other over time. We often sabotage ourselves by looking for a healthy relationship with people who aren’t in a place they provide that.

6. Don’t Rush, Take Time to Connect

We’re socialised to believe in great love stories and fast connections. But rushing emotionally often means bonding to potential rather than reality. Ground yourself in the present and don't get swept up in a place of fantasy. Instead of “They’re amazing,” try “They seem great so far, but time will tell.” Trust should be earned gradually. Have some walls of protection that come down slowly as you get to know them. To know the reality of someone takes time, and there is no way around this.

7. Don’t Be Afraid to Move On

Many people stay too long because they’re too empathetic, afraid of being alone, making excuses for behaviour, hopeful things will change, or being emotionally invested. However, you won’t meet the right person by trying to make it work with the wrong ones.

8. You Are Not Waiting to Be Chosen

They need to impress you and have the qualities you are looking for before you deepen things. If dating is feeling overwhelming, confusing, or emotionally draining, working with our counsellors can help you identify patterns, strengthen boundaries, and rebuild trust in yourself and the process. You deserve a connection that feels safe, mutual, and grounded!

Sex After Babies: Part III - Troubleshooting for men

Sex after babies

Part III-Troubleshooting for men

By Jenny Soudlenkov MNZCCA registered counsellor

It is not only women that can struggle to reclaim their sexual identity after having children. This article focuses on some of the challenges that men may experience during and after the transition into fatherhood and

One of the common concerns that men may face during sex particularly in the early postpartum period is the fear or impregnating their partner before they are ready or willing to expand their family which can affect arousal and the ability to orgasm. Stress and anxiety have a direct impact on a mans ability to both achieve and maintain a reaction and some men may encounter erectile dysfunction as a result of the intrinsic pressure they may be experiencing.

A phenomenon that I have encountered often with the male counterpart in the therapy room is what is known as the Madonna-whore complex which is somewhat complicated psychoanalytic theory pertaining to men’s sexual attraction. In a nutshell, the Madonna-whore complex theorises that men class women into two categories; the Madonna is the saint, the pure embodiment of a being that must be worshipped and loved and the whore; the desirable woman that he is lustfully attracted to. Whilst I must highlight that this does not happen within all relationships, it is a fairly common phenomena where the male partner idealizes and puts their wife (the Madonna) on a pedestal who they would not dare to desecrate and instead, turn their sexual needs towards pornogpraphy or an affair (the whore).  The relationship between objectification and affection is a very complex one and the transition from one to the other may be confused with dwindling romantic chemistry or the feeling of “falling out of love”. What this may look like in practice is a man feeling deeper feelings of affection, adoration, love and respect for his wife as a result of carrying and birthing their child however their feelings of lust, desire and sexual attraction towards her diminish as he cannot identify her a sexual being that is capable of something so dirty and carnal as though sex is an activity that is beneath her. The dichotomy between being a sexual being and being a nurturing mother becomes mutually exclusive and it becomes difficult to reconcile both of these ideas and see the wife as someone who can oscillate between both of these roles. I must stress that this is an unconscious dynamic that most people are not aware of occurring until they unpack this in the therapy room.

Following the expansion of their family, when the mother’s attention and affection is mainly directed towards the child, men may experience a lack of validation and affection from their partner leading to feelings of loneliness and rejection. As the frequency of sexual activity may drastically decline following the introduction of children, the couple may feel “split” in their responsibilities towards their family with neither partner fully able to comprehend a day in the life of the other. For men, the pressure to financially provide and keep their family financially comfortable as well as coming from a long day only to be met with more demands may illicit feelings of unappreciation and feeling “unseen”. As mentioned in the previous article, women are more likely to have their needs of intimacy met within the relationship they share with their children which may result in the male partner feeling unwanted or unneeded.

So, what are the solutions to these common troubleshooting problems? The first thing I would recommend is practicing gratitude towards each other and making a concerted effort to ask and actively listen about each other’s day with the goal of building deeper appreciation, connection and understanding towards one another.

In regards to reigniting sexual intimacy, my suggestion is to carve out time together if possible for the sole purpose of connecting as a couple again and not just as parents. It can be challenging to see our partner as a spouse rather than as a parent if that is all that we are privy to. So, spending time together and engaging in new activities especially something that can raise adrenaline levels (a natural aphrodisiac) can help to enhance sexual connection. It is imperative for couples to retain a sense of togetherness as a unit that exists beyond just having children.

Sex After Babies: Part II- Troubleshooting for women

Part II- Troubleshooting for women

By Jenny Soudlenkov MNZCCA registered counsellor

Let’s turn our attention to the challenges women face when it comes to sexual intimacy after children. There are many facets to the difficulties that pregnant women and new mothers may feel during their journey into motherhood. From the changing and unrecognizable body to the trauma of childbirth and the challenges that come with the postpartum period, sexuality becomes a very difficult road to navigate. Sleep deprivation and prioritization of sleep is one of the top contributing factors to the de-prioritisation of sex. As most new parents know, sleep is a precious commodity that is in short supply, particularly in the beginning of the postpartum period. This is a time when couples often don’t prioritise time and sexual connection which can lead to feelings of disconnect and a lack of desire for sexual activity. Another challenge that women, especially, often discuss in the therapy room is feeling “touched out”. From breastfeeding their infant children to toddlers wanting hugs and kisses, mothers often feel deprived of personal space and overwhelmed from the constant need for contact. I often hear women describing sex becoming another “chore” and another “need” that they must fulfil for yet another person rather than something they enjoy due to this reason. Sex is of course a tactile activity but also one that requires a lot of “giving” of the self which can result in resentment of not having their proverbial cup refilled.

From a physiological perspective, breastfeeding meets a lot of intimacy needs that are usually met through sexual activity with our partners. One of the reasons that breastfeeding mothers experience a lower sex drive is because breastfeeding releases a wonderful chemical called oxytocin in abundance. Oxytocin is also known as the “love hormone”. It is a wonderful hormone that is released when we are sexually aroused and when we fall in love which causes us to have those warm fuzzy feelings towards our partners. Oxytocin is also released during orgasm and helps us to bond with our partner and feel closer and more connected which is one of the reasons why sexual intimacy is a very powerful bonding tool. However, the same hormone is also responsible for the production of milk and bonding with our infants so when women have had their “fill” of intimacy so to speak, it leaves little desire or need to experience that with their partners. Other hormones that are responsible for a lowered libido are falling estrogen levels which contribute to vaginal dryness which can result in more painful sexual activity and lower levels of progesterone which is the hormone which contributes to higher desire for sex during ovulation in order to promote, well, baby making. 

A psychological challenge that mothers often experience is the transition from being the carer and nurturer to being a sexual being which requires a significant mental shift. When a woman has spent the significant part of the day caring for a child, changing diapers and being covered in vomit from their baby, it is difficult to switch gears into being a sexual being that feels in touch with their own body sexually. This also pertains to lowered self-esteem due to a rapidly changing body and a distorted view of self. Our sexual identity is intertwined with how we see ourselves as sexual beings. If we are not feeling comfortable or feeling disconnected from our bodies, it makes it difficult to maintain the feeling of staying in the moment to experience and receive pleasure, let alone achieving orgasm. 

One of the most important pieces of advice that I give to new mothers is to make sure that regardless of how much healing time has been recommended following childbirth before engaging in sexual activity, it is important to feel mentally ready and open up lines of communication with their partners about how they are feeling. It is very normal to not want to have sex due to fear of pain following birth or to not experience any desire for sex. Sex should not be painful and unfortunately, if women push themselves to connect sexually before they are ready, the anxiety may create tension in their body and make the experience at best uncomfortable and at worst, exceptionally painful. My recommendation is to ensure that you have discussed any anxiety that you have about engaging in sex again with your partner and to go at a slow pace, checking in to make sure that there is not pain or significant discomfort. Using lubricant is often necessary, particularly during the breastfeeding stages and may help to combat the painful friction caused by lack of natural lubrication.

I also encourage couples to slow down the rush back into their regular sexual routine and spend more time focusing on sensual physical touch in order to create intimacy and closeness which aids in creating anticipation of sexual desire. Scheduling time for sex can also be a helpful tool as it allows for transition time between being the mother and being the sexual partner. Scheduling allows couples to work towards and look forward to something rather than expecting spontaneous arousal and initiation to occur. 

For women struggling to reclaim their sexual identity following children, it can be helpful to start with self-pleasure prior to re-engaging with a partner as this takes the pressure of the performative aspect of sex and allows for sexual exploration on one’s own terms. If there are concerns around pain of penetration following a difficult vaginal delivery, especially if there was tearing or an episiotomy, using small and non-intimidating sex toys to stimulate the outside of the vaginal opening and clitoris prior to penetration can be a helpful way to re-introduce sexual pleasure in a more controlled way. If we start to associate sex with pain and being a burdensome task, we are far less likely to want to engage in an activity that causes us discomfort. 

Sex After Babies: Part 1

By Jenny Soudlenkov, MNZCCA registered counsellor

One of the topics that I get asked about most is sex after having kids. I have seen countless couples in my office who, amidst sleep deprivation and relationship dissatisfaction come to me with a version of one of these questions;

“Will my wife ever want to have sex again?”

“Why won’t my husband stop pestering me for sex? We’ve just had a baby!”

“Will I ever get to enjoy sex again?”

This list goes on and on but fundamentally, the underlying theme is that babies change your relationship…a lot.

Statistics suggest that men in heterosexual relationships are more likely to cheat either during pregnancy or in the infancy period of parenthood. Some studies suggest that as many as 1 in 10 men will cheat on a pregnant or postpartum mother. How ironic to think that the action that creates a child and brings life into the world becomes one of the most divisive and disconcerting topics that couples have to face when expanding their family. So why does this happen? Whilst there are many reasons for this, some that we will cover in upcoming articles, fundamentally the shift of focus from our partner to the child can illicit feelings of being unwanted, unloved and undesired. This leads to people seeking to meet their needs in other places such as through affairs, escorts or pornography.

The antidote is in the reconnection with your spouse. Relationships are not static, they are constantly evolving and growing just like we are as individuals. A relationship that may have started in your 20’s that was full of lust, passion and carelessness will likely look very different to a relationship in your 30’s and 40’s when you are bogged down with the responsibility of a family, young kids, demanding careers and a shift in hormones. So, what does reconnecting with your spouse look like? My suggestion to couples is to ensure that even if there is a lack of sex, which is very normal and common during pregnancy and after birth, there is still ample physical and emotional affection and appreciation for one another. This period is an opportunity to create a relationship with great depth and intimacy that transcends a physical experience however unfortunately it is usually the time when couples are most dissatisfied with their relationship.

One of my favourite pieces of work by the Gottman institute is their research on bids for connection. Dr. John Gottman conducted some research on the likeliest predictor for divorce with married couples and studies showed that turning down your partners bids for connection is the key predictor for couples divorcing within a six-year timeframe. So, what is a bid for connection and why is this important information for an article about having sex after having kids? A bid for connection is an attempt from one partner to solicit attention, affirmation or affection from the other partner in order to create connection. A bid may be as simple as a smile or squeezing your partners hand or it could be more complex such as asking your partner for their opinion or for their help.  As I write this article, even after being a relationship and sex therapist for several years, I am reflecting on the times that I either missed or turned down my partners bids for connection because I was too “busy” or too distracted to notice him reaching towards me. An example that springs to mind straight away is one that I am sure many couples could relate to in the throws of postpartum life. After dinner one night, we were experiencing the witching hour like most other nights and our newborn was screaming at the top of his lungs and the toddler was refusing to eat his dinner and was arguing about something arbitrary like not wanting to brush his teeth. Whilst in a hurry to clean up and get the shower going for the kids, my partner attempted to hug me as he could see the stress that I was feeling in that moment. Rather than accepting this bid and turning inwards towards him, I pushed him away and said something to the affect of “not now, I have so much to do”. What could have been a moment for connection and intimacy between us as parents, bonding over the shared challenge of postpartum life, became a rejection of connection. I did notice this transgression as soon as it occurred and did apologise for turning away however that moment, as insignificant as it may seem, really highlighted for me how couples drift apart during such a challenging time in their relationship.

So how does this translate to having sex? Well, the lead up to sex is a marathon and not a race. The “foreplay” is in the shared moments of connection and togetherness that lead to yearning to feel even closer. Accepting a partners bid for connections makes them feel seen and appreciated which is usually the underlying complaint that I hear in my office from both the male and female partners. As I suggested earlier, the infidelity that may occur during the antenatal or post-partum period, is not as much about sex as it is in feeling wanted or feeling appreciated. Connection with your partner needs to be a reciprocal, mindful practice between both spouses as your relationship does not stop with having a child. Whilst having children of course, may hinder spontaneous acts of passion that may have occurred previously, it does not mean that your relationship needs to take a backseat for the next several years. Relearning how to be intimate again takes courage, mindfulness and effort from both parties. It may not be as effortless as it once was, however, it can be just as rewarding if not more so.

On a more practical note, one of the other suggestions I often make to couples is to make sure that your bedroom is a child and chaos free place as much as possible. I understand that this is much easier said than done however it is something I urge couples to pay attention to. The transition from being parents to being sexual partners is challenging enough without the clutter and reminder of toys and kids’ clothes throughout the bedroom. I encourage couples to associate their bedroom with sleep and sex rather than another extension to their children.

Part 2 Sex after kids: Troubleshooting common issues for women

*Part 1 of a 3-part series on “sex after kids”

The drama triangle; here we go again! By Jenny Soudlenkov

One of the things that I most commonly see in my practice is couples having the same fight over and over again; albeit with a different theme each time. Maybe one day Jack left the lid off the toothpaste which caused a huge fight, another time Melanie did not call Jack at lunch like she promised, or someone forgot to feed the cat again. The list of argument topics is endless and as a therapist, if I hashed out every argument with couples that they have, we would be there all day and get absolutely nowhere. I am not particularly interested in WHAT couples argue about as I am in HOW they argue. For all their complexity and mystery, humans are fairly predictable creatures. We all, consciously or unconsciously display patterns of behaviour that become engrained in us over time which is why behaviour becomes so much more difficult to modify with age. We become comfortable with the discomfort of the outcomes of our behaviours because the only thing worse for humans than pain is uncertainty. Even with destructive behaviours, we have certainty in the outcomes, because our self-sabotage becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, this brings us to the drama triangle. What is it and how do we get out of it?

The drama triangle is a model of interpersonal conflict first observed by psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 1960’s. Dr. Karpman theorised that all conflict is a grab for power, and we all have preferred maladaptive ways to attempt to reclaim that power in a time of conflict. In a nutshell, the triangle consists of 3 roles: the rescuer, the persecutor and the victim. We can cycle through these roles whilst in conflict but ultimately, we will have a preferred “seat” so to speak on the triangle. The caveat of this triangle is that both parties cannot have the same seat at any one time. So, we may “push” our partner into a position in the triangle that will get us the desired outcome.

 Let’s use the example of Anna and Tom. Anna and Tom have been together for some time now and constantly come to therapy offering a “new” conflict that they have found themselves in. After a bit of digging, a pattern emerges. Anna attacks Tom for something that he forgot to do such as taking out the trash, Tom bites back and calls Anna a derogatory name, Anna cries and makes comments such as “see, you never cared about me in the first place!” which then leads to Tom comforting Anna and reassuring her of his love for her. The original argument about the trash is long forgotten and they are now feeling connected and loved. So, lets unpack what happened; Anna began from the starting place of a persecutor and potentially used tone or language that she unconsciously knew would trigger Tom. Tom, in retaliation tries to grab the power back, also leaps into the role of the persecutor and pushes Anna down into a victim role where she elicits pity and sympathy from Tom, thus ultimately pushing him down into the role of a rescuer to soothe her give her affirmation that she needed from the beginning. Now they are feeling connected, further solidifying that conflict is the way to create closeness and intimacy in their relationship. Now, if we rewind this interaction back further, Anna begins to identify that she wasn’t really angry that Tom didn’t take the trash out; what she was upset about was that yet again, she felt unheard and unseen in their relationship and the trash was a reminder that yet again, her requests fell on deaf ears. The anger that she then directed at Tom set off a chain of events, which unconsciously led them back to a place of closeness and affection that Anna was craving the whole time. You see, Anna and Tom have been together for several years and have a very good grasp each other’s patterns, reactions and responses. Subconsciously, Anna already knew that Tom would call her names if he was triggered. She also knew that he would feel very guilty afterwards and the reward for him behaving badly would be the kindness that he showed afterwards when he “rescued” her. The cycle will repeat over and over again until one of you steps outside of the drama triangle.

Does this dynamic sound familiar? Most of us at some point will fall into this trap of going around and around the same cycles until one or both parties decide that they’ve had enough. Why does it feel like we almost have these arguments on autopilot? Well, largely because we actually do. Imagine learning to ride a bike. You are focused, mindful and aware of every time that you wobble, you are aware of your surroundings, you are consciously in tune to every time that you push the pedal. Once you master this activity, you start doing it almost mindlessly because you are no longer in the learning phase of the process. Relationships are very much the same. We begin courtship with full awareness and an eagerness to learn about our partner. Everything is new and you absorb new information like a sponge. But over time, this becomes exhausting. We cannot be perpetually in “learning mode” otherwise we fry our processors, so to speak. So, we rely on memory of learnt behaviours to relate to our partner which is why long-term relationships can become monotonous, predictable and repetitive. If we go back to Anna and Tom, they’ve had this argument in one form or another a million times. They both know the outcome of conflicts and the ultimate goal is connection, however the ruptures that they create along the way are doing more harm than good to their relationship.  So, what is the antidote? Well, a good start is developing self-awareness to understand your needs and articulating them directly which opens the door for vulnerability and connection. Once you have established a space where it is safe to share these needs in the relationship, you and your spouse create a “learning” arena where you are not functioning from the unconscious; you are now operating from a conscious place of learning new information from your partner in order to move towards resolve and closeness.

I will finish of this article on a quote which I am sure most of you have heard before; You can be right, or you can be married. My challenge to you is to start opening up these pockets of “safe space” in your relationship in order to start learning and getting curious about your partners needs and desires to minimise the chances of falling into the same conflict traps over and over again. Remember, a relationship is not a competition, it is a partnership dance which requires both people to be in sync and attuned to one another to move towards a common goal.

How to Date With Resilience by Angela Rennie

It's easy to lose confidence and hope when dating in today's world. Navigating increased options, easier accessibility, breaking of trust, people who manipulate, narcissism, ghosting, porn conditioned brains, drooming (dating grooming) and 'the grass might be greener' fears isn't easy. The other problem is that a lot of the people able to have a healthy committed relationship are in one, meaning 80% of the dating pool are the people that aren’t. You need tools if you are going to manage this with resilience, confidence and awareness.

1.The number rule of dating is to know your worth. If you don't have self-worth, you are prey for anyone out there who wants to manipulate you. I am yet to meet someone that hasn't had to work on confidence in life (confidence is not arrogance, which comes from low self-esteem). Not only do our brains think in comparisons, they are also programmed to focus more on negatives. You will remember and replay when Bobby said you were ugly in the primary school playground without question, however you are much less likely to replay all the times people have told you that you are beautiful. Don't accept less than you deserve because you are scared you aren't worth more or not loving ourselves enough to be attracted to someone that treats us well. Don't also be co-dependent on others for your self-worth. Tell yourself daily what you love about yourself, why you are proud of yourself and why you are a great partner.

2. Know what you are looking for. Make your ideal partner/relationship list. Create the person that would be perfect for you and list the qualities your perfect relationship has. Accept there is no such thing as perfectionism. However, you can start to work out what you can and can't compromise on in a more considered way. E.g. you might be able to accept someone has different political views than you, but being with someone who isn’t family orientated is not something you can compromise on. Don't date blindly, look for the qualities on your list in people you date.

3. It's a statistical game. A dear friend of mine went on over 100 dates before meeting someone after her marriage broke down. Sadly, he passed away. However, the next date she went on (to distract from her grief) she met someone amazing who she is still extremely happy with years later. The more you are in, the more likely you are to win. I often ask clients what they are doing to meet new people and the answer is nothing. It is unlikely a new partner will knock on your door. The more you get out, try new hobbies, accept invitations (even if only for an hour), use dating sites and move on from things that don't work out, the more likely you are to meet the type of partner you want.

 4. Make dating work for you, as best you can.

-      A lot of people are worried about hurting others or themselves. This is an inevitable part of the dating world. You can't let this stop you from being open to connecting if that is what you are really wanting. Just be as honest and respectful as you can be to others, and make sure you have tools for not personalising and healing when needed. No one can predict the future.

-      Multiple dating. This is harder for women than men, as they tend to commit before a conversation has been had. Don't put all your eggs in one basket out of misguided loyalty. They need to give you good reasons to be monogamous, it doesn’t have to be a default.

-       Don't overthink or take it personally when things don’t work out. It's part of the process. Just learn the lessons you are meant to and move on. This is easier said than done, and often harder for women. However, it is difficult to find and be open to someone great for you if you are stuck on someone that isn’t. The quicker you accept it's just part of the process and move forward, the better. Change your internalised view of dating to a more external view. Instead of thinking 'It's because I'm not good enough", think "it's because they aren't right for me / aren't in the same place as I am / can't have a relationship at this stage of their lives (even if they think they can)". Instead of thinking "why did they ghost me? Why does this always happen to me?" reframe your mindset to “this happens to everyone in the dating scene due to fact nearly half of people dating are relationships already/catfishing."

-      Try and keep it fun while searching. If you aren't looking for a relationship with them, it doesn't matter if they don't fit your wants/needs. You can enjoy others' company until you find someone that does (just be honest about this to them).

-      Having a casual lover is great for preventing touch hunger, confidence and resilience. Make sure it's someone who doesn't play games and is respectful. Just try not to get attached emotionally, which isn't always easy. Tools for this; have more than one, don't go on dates with them, don't have sleepovers and don't do too much snuggling.

5. On initial dates you are just seeing if you would like to spend more time with them. You're not seeing if they are 'the one' (as you couldn't know until a longer period of time). Get to date 4-5 before making a decision, unless you really aren't interested. Desire, lust, and good sex can make you overlook the reality of someone. Stop using rushes of desire to pick your potential partner. We usually choose partners from 'chemistry', without knowing that the physiological response to desire is very similar to the physiology response to danger. You may be thinking 'I want them so much, it must mean something,' but it can be your nervous system saying 'run, this is going to hurt.' Lots of people say 'there is something missing' when they meet a person is emotionally available and kind. They usually don't realise what is missing is games, drama, and a huge risk of being hurt. People that are shy and/or anxious to begin with can be amazing once they feel a bit more comfortable. Of course you need to be attracted to someone, however, great chemistry/sex can grow from great connection and learning each other over time. We often sabotage ourselves by looking for a healthy relationship with people who aren't in a place they provide that.

6. Don't rush in, take time to connect. We are socialised to believe in great love stories, the 'one'. Whether this is true or not we often rush into great love stories in our head. Ground yourself in the present, don't get swept up in a fantasy. Think from a realistic and calm place. Instead of 'they are so amazing' replace it with 'they seem amazing so far, but time will tell'. Slow down and find out who they really are. Don't trust someone until they earn it. Have some walls of protection that come down slowly as you get to know them. To know the reality of someone takes time, and there is no way around this.

7. Don't be scared to move on. We often stay too long due to being too empathetic, making excuses for behaviour, listening to excuses, feeling terrified of being alone, and feeling too scared of being vulnerable so picking distant partners, being manipulated with clever techniques and equity theory (where the more you put in the less likely you are to leave without return on investment). You won't meet the right person by trying to make it work with the wrong ones.

8. You are not waiting to be chosen! They need to impress you and have the qualities you are looking for before you deepen things.

Sexless Marriages

https://www.nowtolove.co.nz/lifestyle/sex-relationships/marriage-without-sex-more-kiwi-couples-in-sexless-marriages-41968

The surprising reason why more and more Kiwis are finding themselves in sexless marriages

Sex therapists believe at least one in seven marriages in NZ are sexless. That's quite a lot!

AUG 08, 2019 3:00PMBY KARYN HENGER

We could all agree that intimacy slows down after a few years of marriage/a long-term relationship. The daily frolics that couples enjoy in the first flushes of new love start to drop off and settle into a pattern of once a week, once a fortnight, once a month, or even less. There is no 'normal' around 'how often' couples 'should' have sex, the experts I interviewed for this story will tell you.

(They also divulge that that's the question they most often get asked: 'How much is everyone else doing it?')

But what if you're no longer intimate at all? Would you be the only couple in the world that no longer has sex?

It is very hard to find couples who will talk about this. It is deeply private and often couples are not even talking with each other about it.

It takes six to seven years to seek help for intimacy issues, Auckland sex therapist Mary Hodson tells me. Such is the shame and embarrassment that comes with, as well as perhaps the fear of what the conversation might unearth.

So, unsurprisingly, there are no recent statistics on how common relationships without intimacy are in New Zealand.

A 1992 US study found that one in seven marriages was sexless and Hodson says that gives us a good indication of what's happening here.

However, her feeling is that the incidence would be even higher now and intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie, also from Auckland, agrees.

Both say it's not uncommon to see couples who've not had sex for 10 years or more, and cases like these are turning up more and more frequently in their clinics.

Image: Getty

Why? Rennie will tell you it has a lot to do with technology.

"There's pornography, which we have easy access to now because of the internet. Pornography changes the function of the brain. It's an artificial version of a natural reward which floods the brain with extra dopamine and that's so different to a natural reward that in the end men can't maintain an erection with a partner.

"But it's also just technology."

People are spending greater parts of their day than ever before online so "there's more disconnection overall in relationships. When you're disconnected you're not having physical intimacy either."

Ever-increasing stress and anxiety are playing a big part, too, she says.

Hodson agrees: "I think the general busyness of life now [has taken a toll on sexual relationships]. In most families both partners are working and they're both working full time and they've got children."

Kids, in themselves, are a massive killer of desire.

"I always say to people, 'You need to put yourself first, your relationship second and your kids third,'" Rennie says. "And people say, 'what? the kids third?' But if you're not in a good place and your relationship is not in a good place then it affects the children."

Mothers, in particular, make the mistake of centring their world around their kids.

"And so you give to the kids all day and then sex with your partner becomes just something else that you've got to give, a chore.

"You forget that sex should be pleasurable and fun and part of your own self-care as well."

Interestingly, the group of people having the least amount of sex is parents in their thirties or early forties, Hodson reports. The people having the most sex are retired – yes, we have something to look forward to!

Image: Getty

Building resentments, hormonal changes (menopause and/or pregnancy and breastfeeding), pain during sex (14 per cent of women have sexual pain at some point in their lives), past sexual traumas that cause a person to associate sex with anxiety or fear, and medications that quash libido can all kill desire and kickstart a drought.

Then when a couple has trouble communicating or avoids talking about difficult issues – like 'why are you no longer keen to have sex with me?' – the divide becomes even greater.

The thing with sex is that once you stop thinking about it you stop wanting it and once you stop wanting it you stop having it.

"It's a little bit like a tap that can be turned off and on," Rennie explains. "There's a bio feedback loop between the brain and the body.

"So if you think about sex that kind of gives your body a little bit of a jolt and responsiveness as well, but if you're not having any sex then your body is not getting blood flow to those organs so they are not getting 'used' and they don't really give you any twinges that then make you think about sex.

"So if you're not getting those twinges your brain is not thinking about sex either."

Once both the physical and mental 'components' are switched off people can be quite happy to not have sex, she says.

The problem is that couples don't always stay in sync, and partners are rarely a perfect match when it comes to sex drive.

Image: Getty

Is it a problem if a couple is not having sex?

No, as long as both partners are equally happy with the arrangement.

But things can change, and if no one is talking about it…

(And for the record, if a partner is unhappy with the arrangement they're as likely to be female as they are male.)

"Research tells us that 47 per cent of people stay in sexless marriages but they have negative feelings like frustration, depression. They feel rejected as you would expect," says Hodson.

"They make a decision to stay perhaps because the person that doesn't want sex seems to be their ideal partner and they can't imagine not being with that person - or they've got too much to lose, and that could be related to relationships with children or grandchildren or it could be the other kind of too much to lose - money, investment.

"People often say they stay because they feel obliged to because of their values or belief systems. And some people – women in particular - are just afraid to leave, afraid of being back out there 'on the market'. They fear poverty or being in a financial position that leaves them without savings and resources."

But is it enough - to live like flatmates?

"I'm sure there are some people who can do that," Hodson continues. "But I think that it does have consequences. The consequences that follow depend on how the person that does want to engage sexually copes with it.

"Some will throw themselves into their hobbies or their work, fitness, going to the gym, that sort of thing, and some people just find alternative sexual outlets like masturbation, pornography, cyber sex, phone sex. There will be a small percentage that will get into other relationships, affairs. It's easier to throw yourself into something like that than deal with what's happening."

Image: Getty

To get a relationship back on track requires a lot of open, honest and gentle communication.

While medications for erectile dysfunction can provide a practical quick fix they don't address why the dysfunction began in the first place, and there are no "wonder drugs" for women to boost desire.

"We know for sure that desire and arousal are two separate things," Dodson says. "They're two different stages in the cycle of becoming excited and interested in sex, and finally reaching an orgasm. So if desire doesn't occur at all for someone, spontaneously, then they and their partner need to… find out what else is going on… Are there relationship problems? Is sex painful? Do they have concerns over their physical appearance? Is there illness? Are there addictions? Is there infidelity now or that happened in the past?"

Rennie adds, "You've got to work through any pain and resentment before you can turn desire back on. It's not so easy if you've had a lifetime of negative beliefs around sex due to culture or religion or past trauma. But if you've had quite a healthy and happy sex life in the past then it's easier to turn back on."

It sounds like hard work. Do you actually have any success stories?, I ask them both.

Definitely, they say.

"I would say sincerely that almost everybody that comes to me and sees it through to the end benefits greatly," says Dodson.

But it's important not to leave it too late to ask for help in the first place.

"Wouldn't it be great if people didn't wait six or seven years," she says. "If they talked to their doctor - and only six per cent will - then they would get referred to people like me.

"Only nine per cent of doctors ask their patients if they're having any sexual problems yet GPs are the ones handing out antidepressants and high blood pressure medications and they are the medications that can affect libido."

Rennie urges couples to retain non-sexual contact if they're not having sex: "Cuddles and kissing and snuggles on the couch, because without that you're not creating any hormones and chemicals that create that attachment, and that's when it does start to feel very much like flatmates.

"Humans need physical touch. It's essential for our wellbeing and mental health.

"There's an element of self care and bringing fun back into the relationship. Fun is a very underestimated part of connection. If you're not having fun outside of the bedroom you're not going to have fun in the bedroom."

Maintaining desire within long term monogamy

Maintaining desire within long term monogamy

By Jenny Soudlenkov

When tasked with writing an article with a nod to my upcoming book titled “It’s never about the toothpaste; A discourse on navigating long lasting relationships in a world where the next “the one” is a click away”, I thought about what people wanted to get to the bottom of the most. The answer, at least for most of my clients, is almost always sex. Not just the physical aspects of sex, but specifically how to maintain desire and yearning within a long-term relationship. I recall asking a dear friend of mine who has been successfully married for several years this same question. “How do you keep passion and desire alive in your marriage?” After a few moments, she answered very thoughtfully; “It changes.. it’s no longer a glaring fire that you don’t need to pay attention to, but rather burning embers that you need to stoke and maintain in order to keep it ignited.” With this beautiful metaphor in mind, let’s break down the basics of desire.

In order to desire something, essentially, it must be out of reach. By its very definition, desire implies a strong feeling of wanting or wishing for something. Which is perhaps why desire feels so natural in the beginning of a relationship; because we have the titillating factor of the unknown. The unknown of what is to come, the unknown of whether this person will become “ours”. The irony is that once we have what we want, it is no longer out of reach and therefore “desirable”, at least not to the same extent as it once was. This is unfortunately why volatile relationships often span over months or years of agony, confusion and excitement. Because we continue to re-introduce the factor of the unknown. I often give my clients the metaphor of buying something that they have lusted over for a long time. In my case, its almost always handbags or shoes. When we have our eyes set on something, we drool over it, idealise it, lose sleep over it and continue looking at it over and over again. Once we have obtained the object that we wanted, we are thrilled and elated that it is now ours. However, that thrill and elation overtime turns into comfort, boredom, and sure, sometimes gratitude, and we agonise over fresh ways to use this once coveted object or we forget about it all together. Sex and desire are very much the same. If we don’t keep stoking the fire, so to speak, we risk letting the embers die out.

 The wonderful psychotherapist Esther Perel so eloquently stated; “foreplay begins at the end of the last orgasm.” Once my clients stop giggling when I share this quote, we discuss what this actually means in practice. What is the “foreplay” that she is referring to? Foreplay, in this context, is referring to the continual bids for connection between ourselves and our spouse. It may be the lingering look over at our partner whilst they are folding the washing. It may be making our partner coffee in bed or it may be the playful grope in the kitchen whilst making dinner. These small gestures build up and create anticipating and ignite a desire to connect with our loved one on a deeper level. After all, sex is not just a physical act of pleasure-otherwise everyone would be doing it! Great sex, at least in my opinion, requires a mental and emotional connection in order to transcend into something that surpasses well beyond the physical realm.

The second component that I wanted to explore in this article is the concept of “the other”. In long term monogamy, we encourage interdependence and symbiosis. Afterall, is this not the underpinning of our search for “the one”? This is a wonderful, comfortable, reliable, warm and fuzzy state of being; which unfortunately subsequently leads to complacency and often sexual dissatisfaction. Remember, we cannot desire for what we think is ours, and if we view our spouse as an extension of ourselves 100% of the time, guess what is going to happen. After all, even fire needs oxygen to breath. Desire is created in the space between us. When we see our partner engaging in their passion, performing at work or engrossed in something that they are really good at, we see them, even just for that moment, as “the other”. This ignites the proverbial fire, and longing for the person that we see in front of us. Because in that moment, no matter how many years we have been married, we see them not as an extra appendage, but rather an independent being who we realise, we do not possess. So how do we do this? The answer lies in cultivating our own individual interests and continuing to build and thrive in our own domains. This is not to create division and separation, quite the opposite. The purpose of this task is to continue to feed and nourish your relationship with what you bring from the outside world. Think about how you feel when your partner lights up and shares something new in their day? This sharing of worlds is what separates co-dependency from interdependency.

In summary, desire is not a perpetual state of being. It is a dynamic process that requires both partners to continue engaging in each other, being curious and learning about each other and continue to reach out to each other by extending bids of connection and turning inwards to one another. After all, arousal and eroticism all start with the flicker of connection and our brain is our most powerful tool when it comes to great sex. Happy love making everyone!

Quiet Quitting NZ Herald

What happens when ‘quiet quitting’ hits a relationship?

By Sinead Corcoran Dye

4 Feb, 2023 07:52 PM

‘Quiet quitting’ has been a trend in work lives, but Sinead Corcoran Dye discovers it also happens in relationships.

Shortly after the birth of her first child, Lucy’s husband became “completely checked out”.

“I had brought up his daughter from a previous relationship for the past decade, and this was the first time in our relationship where I needed his help. I thought having a child together would complete our family and that he’d be obsessed with her, but he wasn’t.”

Lucy was battling post-natal depression, but instead of being around to support her and their newborn, her husband started pulling away.

“His boss had offered him six weeks paid paternity leave, but he refused to take it – he said it would be a detriment to his career.”

While Lucy was caring for the baby around the clock, her husband started going away on “boys’ trips” every weekend when he had never seemed to have had any friends before and busied himself with fishing and video games.

When Lucy was hospitalised with complications after the birth, her husband wouldn’t come and visit her and said he had to work.

It was at this point Lucy asked him to go to couples’ counselling with her, but he said no. So, she started seeing a psychologist by herself in the hopes he would join. He didn’t – and things only got worse.

“He became completely disengaged in our family and stopped coming home. If we had dinner plans with friends he’d cancel last minute. He didn’t acknowledge my birthday. If I complained about a hard day at work, he’d scoff at me and say, ‘you chose to be a lawyer, I don’t want to hear it’. Occasionally he’d take the kids for a walk and when I’d ask to come with them, he’d just walk off without me. It was bizarre and cruel.”

Desperate, Lucy began googling ‘how to make a marriage work when your partner isn’t engaged’.

“I stumbled onto an online forum aimed at women like me, and it said to stop nagging and stop demanding things from your partner when they get home. I knew that didn’t sound right but I was prepared to try anything – so I tried becoming a submissive, subservient wife.”

While they seemed to be getting on better once she kept quiet – a few months later she checked their phone bill and things finally fell apart.

“I saw a number that had been called repeatedly and when I asked him about it, he laughed in my face and admitted he was having an affair with a friend of my friend.”

Finding out your partner is having an affair is hideous. But for Lucy, it was equally abhorrent to find her partner had checked out from the relationship. She is among a growing number falling victim to what relationship experts are calling the trend of “quiet quitting”.

You may have seen it in the workplace – the colleague who clocks in but does only the bare minimum to keep their job. In effect, they have clocked out but still sit at their desk day in day out, lacking the courage or motivation to move on.

Relationship counsellor Steven Dromgool says between 60 and 70 percent of couples who come to therapy are experiencing quiet quitting, or “relationship ambivalence”.

“From a therapist’s point of view, it’s one of the most serious issues that you can have, and if you don’t sort it out very quickly your therapy will not succeed because you need an alliance,” says Dromgool.

“It takes two people to make a relationship work, and it takes one person to break it – so ambivalence in a relationship is actually a terminal issue.”

And that ambivalence can have a profound impact on the person still trying to make a relationship work.

Harriet was with her partner for two years – but almost nine months of that was a zombie relationship.

“At the 14-month point I felt him pull away,” she says. “All of a sudden, he was busy all the time and when we were together, he just wanted to play video games.

“I loved him so much that I wanted to make him happy, so I put up with it and thought if I trod water and stayed chill he’d come back around, but this went on for months and months and there was no good energy coming from him anymore.”

Harriet says she had been through two other difficult break-ups – but being the victim of a quiet quitter was a far worse experience.

“I wasted nine months putting all this energy into the wrong places, and when I turned to alcohol to numb that pain, I ended up having these huge meltdowns which ended up pushing him away even more.

“It’s so much easier to just be dumped because then you know they don’t want you anymore, but when you’re being quiet quitted on you can almost see it happening and it’s this prolonged pain that goes on for months and months.”

Dromgool says there are lots of reasons behind quiet quitting – fear of the unknown, economic uncertainty, the awful prospect of, “being on Tinder, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for 40 years, fear of conflict and being strategic about when to leave”.

He also points out that often quiet quitters have been hurt; it’s not uncommon to see someone whose partner has an affair staying in the relationship but giving up on making it work.

“When we get hurt, the instinct is to withdraw and, especially in the case of an affair, that’s an appropriate and reasonable thing to do.

“But what we’re looking for is a level of engagement to see if it can be worked through. We should give it the same amount of attention as if we discovered an unknown lump in the body, that would be the measure of concern I would attach to it.

“If you wake up one day and think’ why the hell am I in this relationship’, everything’s probably fine you’re just having a bad day. But if it goes on for months that’s something to be concerned about.”

Charlotte had been with her boyfriend five years when she realised she wasn’t happy. But the couple’s lives were so tied up together that she could see no way out. They owned a house, were heading off on a six-month travelling adventure and had locked in plans for a future together.

“As soon as we got back from our trip I consciously started quietly quitting. I threw myself into my job and worked late every night at the office, so I didn’t have to go home. I stayed out late partying every weekend, and I’d never invite my partner.”

She also started making plans for a single future – even joining a gym class because “I wanted to look hot and feel confident in my body”.

“When I was at home, I’d avoid him around the house. I didn’t want to have an argument, so I’d just keep to myself.”

She says she doesn’t regret quiet quitting - even though she recognises how unfair it was – because it helped her prepare for life after the relationship.

“It meant I was able to slowly back out of the relationship and distance myself from him, without having to brutally end it.”

However, she says with the benefit of more maturity she can’t see how she would do it again. In her new relationship, “I would like to think if we had serious issues, we’d be able to communicate with each other to try to work it out.”

Relationship expert Angela Rennie says it takes a lot of courage to end a relationship. Stonewalling and withdrawing, which are features of quiet quitting, can be a defence mechanism, particularly for people who don’t like conflict.

“It’s a self-protective behaviour we learn at a young age, then bring into adulthood.”

She sees lots of couples where one person is done but the other didn’t even realise there was a problem and is upset they weren’t given a chance to “fix it”.

“Women often do it and put walls up when they’ve been hurt so many times, and don’t know how they’re going to manage the kids and manage financially. Men often do it to keep the peace.”

However, Rennie also says there is a way back – but only if both partners are willing.

“You need both people looking at their behaviours so that you can work as a team - which is hard if one person is resistant to that.

“I always suggest couples do a weekly check-in to talk about what’s going well and what are the issues. Relationships can’t grow without addressing the differences and they do get stagnant if you don’t address the problems.”

Dromgool says that if you suspect your other half is quiet-quitting, you need to confront them.

“Relationships do change, so ask why they’re still in the relationship. And then if you get an ‘I’m not sure,’ go straight to therapy, do not pass go, do not collect $200, because that’s a critical issue.

“In relationships we hurt each other at times, so when that happens it needs to be repaired and treated seriously.

“Staying is hard if you’re unhappy, and leaving is hard. But quiet-quitting leaves you in a pretty toxic environment with all the costs but none of the benefits.”

Lucy suspects her partner wanted her to find evidence of his infidelity.

“It was like he didn’t have the balls to end it so he decided to behave as obnoxiously as possible. And left clues around like the phone calls, because he seemed almost relieved when I caught him.”

She agrees that if you feel you are the victim of quiet-quitting you need to confront your partner – or make the call yourself to get out of the relationship.

A few years later Lucy was in a new relationship, which she realised wasn’t right.

“I put so much consideration into how to end it,” she says. “The thought of being an a**hole to get them to break up with me was inconceivable.

“Yes, it’s hard to front up to someone and say you don’t want to be with them anymore – I still feel sick about my breakup six years ago – but that’s just having respect for someone.”

Where to get help

If it is an emergency and you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

For depression and postpartum depression support, contact the free 24/7 helpline 0800 111 757 or text 4202. Visit https://www.depression.org.nz/

For help with alcohol and drug use, visit https://alcoholdrughelp.org.nz/ or call the helpline on 0800 787 797

For counselling and support contact Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)

Porn Addiction Article

Kiwi sex expert says porn is the biggest addiction society has ever seen

''The statistics are eye opening, people are watching pornography from a very young age,'' says intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie.

NOV 06, 2019 1:20PMBY KARYN HENGER

Government officials are working on legislation that, if passed, would restrict New Zealanders' access to pornography - and a Kiwi sex expert says the proposed bill couldn't arrive soon enough.

Internal Affairs and Children's Minister Tracey Martin hopes to introduce a proposed policy to Parliament before next year's election that would adopt practical and educational approaches and possibly introduce regulations to "prevent children and young people from accidentally being exposed to pornography and from deliberately accessing it in a digital environment, including at school".

Five bills proposed by the Christian lobby group, Family First, including compulsory porn-blocking software in schools and in Wi-Fi services in public places such as airports and libraries, "will be considered during the policy development process".

Martin said this week, "It's a priority of mine and I really want to see legislation introduced this term."

Research by the office of Chief Censor David Shanks in 2018 found that 75 per cent of NZ boys and 58 per cent of girls aged 14 to 17 had seen porn online, either deliberately or by accident.

Moreover 69 per cent of teens who saw porn at least once a month had seen "violence or aggression", and almost half of teens who had had sexual relationships said they had "tried doing something [they] saw in porn".

Auckland intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie welcomes the proposals, saying "addressing this in any way" is a move in the right direction.

Rennie has seen first-hand the devastating impact pornography has on relationships and individuals.

"I would say it's the biggest addiction society has seen and no one is really doing anything about it.

"The statistics are eye opening, people are watching pornography from very young," she says.

Angela Rennie says porn is the biggest addiction society has seen.

So concerned is Rennie, she has approached a number of Auckland secondary schools offering to present to students about the damage watching 'high-speed' (online) pornography can cause and what healthy relationships should look like.

"But they don't want me to come in and talk."

She has been disappointed by their lack of acknowledgement of the problem.

"I believe we need to be doing more at schooling levels."

Rennie explains that regular exposure to pornography effectively reprogrammes the brain, leaving a person unable to enjoy normal, healthy relationships or intimacy.

"Pornography provides the brain with an artificial version of a natural reward. It floods the brain with extra dopamine and then the dopamine hits that a person gets from a natural reward of bonding and sex with a person cannot compare to the dopamine hits they get from high speed pornography."

Men begin to suffer from erectile dysfunction and both men and women (porn is watched by both genders) are unable to develop genuine connections with others.

"I have found people that have a problem with pornography from a young age have never felt the desire to fully connect with someone else," Rennie says.

In relationships, the partner addicted to porn will begin to prefer porn to intimacy with their partner.

"It's quicker, they don't have to put any effort in, there is no fear of rejection," Rennie explains.

"And then when the partner finds out their partner is choosing porn over them it affects their body image, they experience feelings of rejection, and a high percentage consider it to be cheating."

For some, pornography addiction takes such a hold they seek out more and more unacceptable forms of it to achieve the same dopamine rush.

Rennie explains, "The dopamine receptors get diminished and that leads to extreme porn, kinks, fetishes, seeking out prostitutes to get the same high.

"It can lead people to illegal pornography use and illegal sexual behaviours. The majority of porn is sexually aggressive which normalises this behaviour, especially for younger users.

"There was a massive study down a few years ago in Australia on this, and what young women were sexually doing to have boyfriends was alarming."

Rennie says she couldn't tell you how many clients have told her, 'If I'd known what it would do to me I would never have watched it, how detrimental it would be.'

"It's a massive problem and it needs to be addressed."

Radio New Zealand Article

NEW ZEALAND

28 Mar 2019

Is polyamory on the rise?

8:11 pm on 28 March 2019 

Michael Hall, Digital Journalist 

michael.hall@rnz.co.nz

Interest in polyamorous lifestyles may go beyond mere titillation, says an Auckland intimacy counsellor, as more people express an openness to define their own sexuality and sexual behaviours outside of traditional norms.

Angela Rennie, 43, has been offering specialist sex and intimacy counselling from her Mount Eden practice for the past seven years.

She says her anecdotal experience of talking to clients suggests traditional relationship paradigms are being challenged, revised and even replaced altogether, with more interest in polyamory, where more than one partner is in an intimate relationship with the consent of all involved.

"It is hard to know exact statistics, but many people feel freer to be open about their lifestyle choices in today's society," says Ms Rennie.

"Polyamorous relationships are not necessary less intense than monogamous relationships.

"These relationships can be very intense. I have seen many couples live this lifestyle in healthy ways, remaining deeply connected.

"However, just like monogamous relationships, many poly relationships don't work out."

Past census questions have steered clear of the New Zealand public's sexual orientations and have not determined to what extent people have migrated away from traditional relationships.

Stats NZ says it aims to include these topics in all future social surveys and in the 2023 Census.

Regardless of what the figures may be, polyamorous lifestyles are nothing new.

The 'free love' idealism of the hippie movement in the 1960s and '70s encompassed elements of negotiated non-monogamy as part of an alternative way of communal living, unshackled from the consumerism and possessive individualism of Western capitalist societies.

But while hippie free love was part of a marginal counter-culture, forms of polyamory today could be more of an authentic expression of the zeitgeist.

Intimacy without exclusivity

In a technological society driven by desire to consume, to satiate appetites and an unbridled focus on the self, it would be reasonable to think these cultural influences would permeate through to the relationships we have and want to pursue.

Psychotherapist Erich Fromm observed in the 1960s that within consumerist society, potential romantic suitors were often looked upon as nicely-packaged commodities, where looks, personality, wealth, social status and education largely determined that commodity's exchange value.

Entering into a marriage or a long-term monogamous relationship was, for those conditioned by the culture, a type of commodity exchange of equal or higher-value to one's own sense of individual value.

This critique of selfish individualism remains relevant today. But whereas those seeking monogamous commitment look for one person to fulfil this commodity exchange, for those practising a polyamorous lifestyle there is no need to make an all-encompassing choice of just one well-rounded person. Many commodities can fulfil many needs and expectations.

For those pursuing a more meaningful connection as opposed to just a commodity exchange, the same applies - an intimidate relationship need not be exclusive.

'There is not one person who can live up to all my ideals'

Sara is a 35-year-old from Tauranga who entered the polyamorous lifestyle three years ago, following a painful break-up in a monogamous relationship, involving infidelity on the part of her partner.

She is now dating a polyamorous man, who she has a good sexual connection with and considers one of her best friends. Another man, who is married with four children, also offers her emotional closeness and a unique sense of belonging.

"There is not one person who can live up to all my ideals and it would be unfair to impose those expectations on one person," she says.

"There are many people I can connect to with different attributes and qualities, that satisfy different things. One partner that I was with shares the same music and go to festivals and travel together. My other partner has too many commitments to do that, for example."

Intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie. Photo: RNZ /SUPPLIED

Ms Rennie says this type of approach can work for many people, particularly when pursuing both physical and emotion closeness causes too much anxiety.

"No one person can give you everything you need," she says.

"You can get other things from friends and family, however. It isn't necessary to have a poly relationship.

"For some people this is a way to enjoy different aspects of different people. I do think some people are good at either being emotionally close to someone, or physically close to someone.

"Trying to do both with one person causes huge anxiety and raises the stakes very high.

"You can see how this plays out with couples that have high conflict but also high passion, or are very emotionally close, but more 'friends.'

"It takes a lot of bravery to be willing to have both emotional and physical closeness with one person. It can make sense to separate these out in different people, it's a lot 'safer' and people can feel a lot less vulnerable."

Jay is a 33-year-old Aucklander who has been happily polyamorous for five years, since a painful ending to a monogamous relationship with a long-term girlfriend.

He expresses unease at describing himself as poly, due to behaviours of single men who feel the label gives them carte blache to do as they please, regardless of the feelings of others.

"I'm a single, straight guy, of which there are many in the community who label themselves as polyamorous when actually they just want an excuse to sleep with people without any emotional accountability. It seems a bit sleazy to me," he says.

"If I was in a long-term, non-monogamous relationship, I think I'd feel more comfortable describing myself as 'poly.' "

For Jay, the intensity of his past monogamous relationship and the focus on exclusivity was a constant source of anxiety.

"It was such an intense relationship and from the get-go very jealous, for both of us. After we split, I just asked myself, 'Why?'

"By interrogating that, I questioned the so-called norms I took to relationships, which for me was the take-for-grantedness of strict monogamy."

Since then, Jay has not had a long-term, serious relationship, but has not ruled that out in the future.

"For me it was just a process of learning to own my emotions and to work at being as honest as possible: If I'm seeing multiple people, making sure everyone knows exactly where I'm at or, if I'm seeing someone more intensely, being honest with that person about my desires, should they arise."

Taking control

From some accounts, it leads to the wider question of whether some people enter polyamorous lifestyles in an attempt to face down past hurt from monogamous relationships - specifically, partners sleeping with other people - or the fear of that happening.

Polyamory, for some, could be a kind of "counterphobic" response to this emotional pain.

When strong negative emotions like fear are experienced, these are painful to tolerate, so the natural human impulse is to escape away or defend against the pain.

Some people develop "counterphobic" reactions to a negative emotion by courting more of it as a means of making it tolerable and building mastery over it. Examples would be the individual who becomes a mountain climber to overcome a fear of heights, or someone previously afraid of sharks becoming an enthusiastic deep sea diver.

Many psychologists believe the dynamic in which a strong negative emotion becomes sexualised follows a similar process. Sexologist John Money describes it in an "opponent-process" theory, where a painful experience can be compulsively repeated enough times that it becomes pleasurable.

Ms Rennie agrees some polyamorous people are motivated by a desire to avoid emotional pain of their monogamous pasts.

"Some individuals and couples are driven by an 'opponent-process', for others it's a defence mechanism, for others its driven by a desire for pleasure and openness.

"There is certainly a portion of people that choose these types of lifestyles to assert control of feelings and situations that seem out of their control.

"As with all things, there is usually not one reason that you can pinpoint for behaviours that individuals or groups choose."

She said for some a polygamous lifestyle may seem safer than a monogamous relationship, given the cultural and technological pressures on committed monogamous relationships.

Ubiquitous dating apps like Tinder, where a quick hook-up is possible at any time, now loom ominously over traditional relationships like a spectre.

"Cheating in relationships has always been very high," she says. "The rates that women do it are very under-reported and I feel higher than many people expect.

"High rates of pornography use reprogram brains to constantly want new partners, while online access to social media and dating sites provides an easy way to lead double lives."

In light of this, she says for some a polygamous lifestyle seems safer than a monogamous relationship, taking some of the risk of betrayal or disappointment out of the equation.

"It can be reflective of a desire to keep an emotional distance and/or not putting all your eggs in one basket.

"If one relationship doesn't work out, you have someone to fall back on. Relationships create anxiety and make us feel vulnerable. For some this is certainly a way to manage it.

"For others who have felt the pain of infidelity it can be a way to still connect, without the fear of this happening again.

"I have had a client say: 'at least they won't cheat on me if they're allowed to see other people'."

However, she says negotiations within a polyamorous relationships can be carried out in bad faith and they offer no guarantee against this type of emotional pain.

"Unfortunately, betrayal happens in poly relationships as frequently as monogamous relationships," she says.

"There is probably a perception that poly couples don't have rules and boundaries. But each couple defines their own within that relationship between them."

Negiotations and boundaries

Twenty-eight-year-old Aucklander Ravina has pursued polyamorous relationships since her teens and found it initially fraught with difficulties, until meeting her boyfriend 18 months ago.

"I have always been interested in polyamory, and unsuccessfully attempted it several times as teen and young adult, before discovering my current partner and working out how to get it right," he says.

"The big issue during my earlier years was that we were not confident enough in ourselves to overcome the societal and cultural expectations of monogamy."

Respecting rules and boundaries, as well as detaching from conventional values of exclusivity in relationships, were equally key to making the relationship work.

"In my relationships, I expect my partners to be honest about any other relationships they are thinking of pursuing; to use physical protection like condoms until otherwise agreed, and to attend to their existing relationships before trying to take on new ones.

"If a partner were to violate any of these rules and expectations, I would consider that an infidelity and it would be as much an issue for me as for in a monogamous relationship."

She says polyamory remains challenging at times, but in comparison to past experiences of monogamy, she is more at peace within herself.

"I still struggled with it for a while after meeting my current partner, but we have excellent communication and have worked through any issues that have popped up.

"We have been together nearly one-and-a-half years, which is my longest poly relationship so far.

"We very rarely fight and we're still going strong, which is something that I had not experienced in mono relationships. I can't say how well poly works in the long-term, but it seems to be successful at this point."

One of the most frequent questions asked by polyamorous couples and individuals is whether or not their lifestyles are a phase or a potentially life-long commitment.

Ms Rennie thinks the question may fail to understand the fluid nature of relationships, the status of which are largely contingent on the changing nature of the people involved in them.

"Many couples also choose this lifestyle for a period of time," she says.

"Sexuality and expressions of sexuality are not fixed for individuals and couples over time.

"A relationship is a negotiation that never ends. What may work for several years may stop working for one or both partners.

"Partners need to communicate and renegotiate constantly, depending on many factors. Many poly relationships become mono, many mono become poly, and there are numerous variations in between."