Dating in today’s world can feel exhausting and discouraging. With dating apps, increased options, ghosting, manipulation, breaking of trust, narcissism, porn conditioned brains, and “grass is greener” thinking, it’s no wonder many people lose confidence and hope along the way.
The other problem is that many people who are genuinely ready for healthy, committed relationships are already in them, which means 80% of the dating pool is made up of people who aren’t available in the ways we might hope. Because of this, resilience, self-awareness, and emotional tools are essential.
Here are some principles we often share with clients at Intimacy Counselling who are navigating dating and wanting to protect both their heart and their sense of self.
1. Know Your Worth
The number one rule of dating is to protect your worth. Self-worth is the foundation of resilient, healthy dating, and without it, we are far more vulnerable to manipulation, and staying in situations that don’t serve us. I am yet to meet someone who hasn’t had to work on confidence in life.
Not only do our brains think in comparisons, they are also programmed to focus more on negatives. You will remember and replay when Bobby said you were ugly in the primary school playground without question, however you are much less likely to replay all the times people have told you that you are beautiful. Don’t accept less than you deserve because you are scared you aren’t worth more or not loving ourselves enough to be attracted to someone that treats us well. Don’t also be co-dependent on others for your self-worth. Tell yourself daily what you love about yourself, why you are proud of yourself and why you are a great partner.
2. Know What You’re Looking For
Dating without clarity often leads to confusion and disappointment. Spend time identifying and creating the person that would be perfect for you and list the qualities your perfect relationship has.
Accept that there’s no such thing as perfection, but there is clarity around what you can and can’t compromise on. For example, you might be able to compromise on different political views, but being with someone who isn’t family orientated is not something you can compromise on.
Use your list as a guide, not a checklist. Don’t date blindly, look for the qualities on your list in people you date.
3. Remember: Dating Is a Numbers Game
A painful reality is that dating often involves many “no’s” before a “yes”, and the more you are in, the more likely you are to win. A dear friend of mine went on over 100 dates before meeting someone after her marriage broke down. However, the next date she went on (to distract from her grief) she met someone amazing who she is still extremely happy with years later.
New connections usually don’t knock on your door. The more you get out, try new hobbies, say yes to invitations (even if only for an hour), use dating apps intentionally, and keep moving forward when things don’t work out, the more likely you are to meet the type of partner you want. The more you engage, the more likely you are to meet someone aligned with you.
4. Make Dating Work For You
A lot of people are worried about hurting others or themselves when dating, however this is an inevitable part of the dating world. Avoiding connection entirely might feel safer, but it often leads to deeper loneliness. Just be as honest and respectful as you can be to others, while also developing tools to recover emotionally when things don’t work out. No one can predict the future.
Multiple dating is harder for women than men, as they tend to commit before a conversation has been had. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket out of misguided loyalty. They need to give you good reasons to be monogamous, it doesn’t have to be a default.
Try not to over think or take rejection personally. It’s part of the process, just learn from the lessons you are meant to and move on. This is easier said than done, and often harder for women. However, it is difficult to find and be open to someone great for you, if you are stuck on someone that isn't.
Change your internalised view of dating to a more external view. Instead of thinking “What’s wrong with me?, think “It’s because they weren’t right for me, weren’t emotionally available, or weren’t in a place to offer a relationship.” Instead of thinking “why did they ghost me? Why does this always happen to me?”, think “this happens to everyone in the dating scene due to the fact nearly half of all people are in relationships”.
Having a casual lover is great for preventing touch hunger, confidence and resilience. Make sure it’s someone who doesn't play games and is respectful. Just try not to get attached emotionally, which isn’t always easy. Tools for this is to have more than one, don’t go on dates with them, don’t have sleepovers and don’t do too much snuggling.
5. Early Dates Are About Curiosity, Not Commitment
Initial dates aren’t about deciding if someone is “the one”, they’re about deciding whether you want to spend more time with them. Get to date 4-5 before making a decision, unless you really aren’t interested. Desire, lust, and good sex can sometimes make you overlook the reality of someone. We usually choose partners from ‘chemistry’, without knowing that the physiological response to desire is very similar to the physiology response to danger. You may be thinking ‘I want them so much, it must mean something’, but it can be your nervous system saying ‘run, this is going to hurt’. Lots of people say there is something missing when they meet a person who is emotionally available and kind. They usually don’t realise what is missing is games, drama, and a huge risk of being hurt. Of course you need to be attracted to someone, however, great chemistry/sex can grow from great connection and learning from each other over time. We often sabotage ourselves by looking for a healthy relationship with people who aren’t in a place they provide that.
6. Don’t Rush, Take Time to Connect
We’re socialised to believe in great love stories and fast connections. But rushing emotionally often means bonding to potential rather than reality. Ground yourself in the present and don't get swept up in a place of fantasy. Instead of “They’re amazing,” try “They seem great so far, but time will tell.” Trust should be earned gradually. Have some walls of protection that come down slowly as you get to know them. To know the reality of someone takes time, and there is no way around this.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Move On
Many people stay too long because they’re too empathetic, afraid of being alone, making excuses for behaviour, hopeful things will change, or being emotionally invested. However, you won’t meet the right person by trying to make it work with the wrong ones.
8. You Are Not Waiting to Be Chosen
They need to impress you and have the qualities you are looking for before you deepen things. If dating is feeling overwhelming, confusing, or emotionally draining, working with our counsellors can help you identify patterns, strengthen boundaries, and rebuild trust in yourself and the process. You deserve a connection that feels safe, mutual, and grounded!