Why Is Modern Dating So Hard? The Psychology of Dating in New Zealand

By Angela Rennie MA, PGDip, MA, MHS (Psychology) – Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist 

I was recently interviewed by Michael Laws on The Platform about the changing dating environment in New Zealand.

It is a fascinating subject because, despite enormous changes in how we meet people, human psychology hasn’t fundamentally changed.

We still want many of the same things we have always wanted: connection, attraction, safety, companionship, validation, intimacy and, for many people, a long-term partner.

What has changed is the environment in which we’re trying to find those things.

And I think that helps explain why so many intelligent, successful and otherwise confident people tell me:

“Dating is depressing and exhausting.”

Dating Apps Changed the Environment – Not Human Psychology

Tinder launched in 2012 and helped accelerate the move from desktop dating websites towards smartphone-based, image-led dating.

Suddenly, potential partners weren’t limited to people we met through work, friends, family, hobbies or the local pub.

That has created some genuine advantages.

Dating apps can give people access to a much larger pool of potential partners. They can be particularly useful for people with limited social circles, busy professionals, people living rurally, older daters and people looking for someone with particular cultural, religious, lifestyle or relationship preferences.

Online dating itself isn’t inherently good or bad.

It is a tool.

The difficulty is that the tool can amplify some of the least helpful aspects of dating psychology.

Dating Problems Aren’t New

Rejection isn’t new.

People misrepresenting themselves isn’t new.

Infidelity isn’t new.

Fear of commitment isn’t new.

Neither is judging someone superficially.

Dating apps didn’t invent these behaviours.

What they have done is increase the speed, scale and frequency with which we can experience them.

And they have introduced some relatively new experiences into everyday dating: ghosting, catfishing, scams, excessive swiping, harassment, dating-app fatigue and the feeling of being repeatedly rejected by people we’ve barely even met.

One disappointing dating experience used to be one disappointing experience.

Today, someone can potentially experience dozens of tiny perceived rejections while sitting on their sofa.

That can affect how people begin to see both themselves and the opposite sex.

The Paradox of Choice

One of the most interesting things about modern dating is that more choice doesn’t necessarily make choosing easier.

When we believe another option is only a swipe away, it becomes very easy to evaluate people quickly.

Too short.

Wrong job.

Not immediately funny enough.

Not my usual type.

No instant spark.

Next.

But many of the characteristics that make someone photograph well or create immediate chemistry aren’t necessarily the characteristics that make someone a good long-term partner.

A healthy relationship depends on things that are much harder to assess from six photographs and a short profile:

Emotional availability. Reliability. Kindness. Communication. Sexual compatibility. Shared values. The ability to repair conflict. Commitment. Curiosity. Trust.

These characteristics reveal themselves over time.

The Dating Market Isn’t Experienced Equally

Another problem is that men and women can have very different experiences of online dating.

Some women receive a very high number of approaches and become overwhelmed, suspicious or increasingly selective.

Many men experience almost the opposite: relatively few matches and repeated perceived rejection.

Neither experience is particularly conducive to optimism.

The woman can start thinking:

“Where are all the decent men?”

The man can start thinking:

“Nobody wants me.”

Both can become jaded.

And once people become jaded, they often create strategies designed to protect themselves.

Unfortunately, those strategies can make finding a relationship even harder.

Are We Choosing the Wrong Things?

I regularly see people become extremely specific about the person they believe they need.

Height.

Income.

Appearance.

Fitness.

Career.

Age.

Social confidence.

Immediate chemistry.

There is nothing wrong with having preferences.

But a problem develops when preferences become a checklist that eliminates potentially compatible partners before we’ve learned anything meaningful about them.

Someone can be tall, attractive, successful, charismatic and exciting - and still be an awful partner.

Someone else may not immediately tick every superficial box but could possess the emotional qualities required to build an extraordinarily satisfying relationship.

Dating successfully requires knowing the difference between attraction, preferences and genuine relationship compatibility.

Dating Apps Can Also Become Addictive

We also need to recognise how the technology itself works.

Swiping provides intermittent rewards.

Sometimes there is nothing.

Then suddenly - a match.

That unpredictability can encourage people to keep checking.

And dating businesses face an unusual commercial problem:

A genuinely successful customer may eventually stop being a customer.

If you meet your partner, delete the app and live happily ever after, the dating platform has lost two users.

That doesn’t mean dating apps deliberately prevent relationships.

It does mean consumers should remember that their objective and the platform’s commercial objective aren’t necessarily identical.

Your goal is to find the right person. Your goal isn’t to become exceptionally good at using a dating app.

Why Some People Are Returning to Real-Life Dating

I’ve noticed increasing numbers of clients looking beyond apps. Partly due to the fact 70% of app users are men; 65% of people on apps are in relationships already.

Some are trying matchmaking services. Others are attending singles events, speed dating, social activities or simply becoming more deliberate about meeting people through everyday life.

There are challenges here too.

Dating services need enough compatible people of similar ages, preferences and geographic locations to create meaningful matches.

Singles events can struggle with gender balance. 70% are woman. 

But there is one major advantage:

You actually meet a human being.

You see their humour.

Their mannerisms.

Their warmth.

How they speak to other people.

How comfortable you feel around them.

Whether conversation flows.

These are pieces of information a dating profile struggles to communicate.

Have We Lost Some of the Art of Dating?

This is the part of modern dating I find particularly interesting as a relationship counsellor.

Technology isn’t the only thing that has changed.

Many people have had fewer opportunities to practise approaching strangers, flirting, tolerating awkwardness, handling rejection gracefully and communicating romantic interest.

COVID isolation, increasingly online lives, social anxiety and understandable concerns about unwanted approaches have all influenced how people interact.

The result can be strange: We have unprecedented access to potential partners while sometimes having less confidence about what to do when we actually meet one.

Interpersonal skills matter. They can also be learned.

Dating After 40

I particularly want to say something to people returning to dating later in life. I still meet clients in their 40s, 50s and beyond who feel embarrassed about being on dating apps. Some worry that an ex-partner, colleague or friend will see them.

Online dating has become part of how people meet, just like walking into a pub. 

Being single isn’t a personal failure, and wanting companionship isn’t something you need to hide.

The more useful question is: “Am I dating in a way that is actually helping me find the type of relationship I want?”

How to Date Differently

If modern dating isn’t working for you, don’t simply swipe harder. Consider changing the strategy.

Be clear about whether you want casual dating, companionship or a committed relationship.

Separate your non-negotiable relationship values from your preferences.

Give potentially compatible people enough time for attraction to develop.

Don’t interpret every rejection as evidence about your worth.

Don’t allow each experience that doesn’t end in forever to prevent you from finding someone who might be. 

Take breaks from apps when they start affecting your wellbeing - but don’t disappear from dating for years because one experience hurt.

Meet people offline as well as online.

Practise conversation, flirting and asking people out.

And perhaps most importantly: Choose people according to their capacity to have a healthy relationship, not simply their ability to create immediate excitement.

Modern dating isn’t hopeless. But the environment has changed, and our dating strategies need to change with it.