Low Libido: Why You May Have Lost Your Sex Drive and When to Seek Help
When sex just doesn't feel as appealing anymore
You might still love your partner. You might still feel attracted to them. You might even wish you wanted sex more often.
But lately, sex may simply feel like the last thing on your mind.
Perhaps you are tired, stressed or distracted. Maybe you have noticed changes since having children, going through menopause, starting medication or experiencing difficulties in your relationship. Or perhaps you cannot identify one clear reason at all.
Low libido, or reduced sexual desire, is common and can happen at different stages of life. There is also no single level of sexual desire that everyone should have. Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa notes that a higher or lower libido is not necessarily a problem unless it is causing distress or affecting a relationship.
If a change in your sex drive is bothering you, you do not have to simply accept it or feel embarrassed about talking about it.
Understanding what may be affecting your desire can be the first step towards changing your relationship with sex and intimacy.
What is low libido?
Low libido simply means having less interest in sexual activity than you previously had, or less interest than you would like.
You might notice:
Thinking about sex less often
Rarely initiating sex
Feeling indifferent towards sex
Finding it difficult to become interested or aroused
Wanting intimacy but not necessarily wanting sex
Avoiding sexual situations because they feel like pressure
Feeling disconnected from your sexuality
Experiencing a mismatch in sexual desire with your partner
Feeling frustrated, guilty or worried about the change
Importantly, having a low sex drive does not automatically mean that something is wrong with you.
Some people naturally have little interest in sex. For others, desire changes depending on their circumstances, relationships, stress levels, health or stage of life.
The question is less about whether your libido is "normal" and more about whether the change is unwanted or causing you distress.
What causes low libido?
There is rarely one simple explanation for low sexual desire.
Desire can be influenced by physical, emotional, psychological and relationship factors, and these can overlap.
Stress and feeling overwhelmed
When you are constantly thinking about work, children, finances, household responsibilities or other pressures, it can be difficult to switch into a sexual headspace.
You may find yourself thinking about your to-do list rather than intimacy.
Long-term stress, tiredness and emotional exhaustion can all affect sexual desire.
Relationship difficulties
How you feel within your relationship can have a significant impact on desire.
Unresolved conflict, resentment, communication difficulties, loss of emotional connection or feeling unheard can all affect intimacy.
Sometimes couples become caught in a cycle where one person wants more sex and the other feels pressured. The more pressure they feel, the less interested they become, which can then leave their partner feeling rejected.
Differences in sexual desire can contribute to frustration, isolation and resentment if they are not openly discussed.
Pregnancy, parenting and having young children
Pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding, disrupted sleep and the demands of caring for a baby can all affect sexual desire.
You may also feel that your identity has changed or that your body feels different after having children.
Sometimes there simply isn't much physical or emotional space left for sexual intimacy.
Perimenopause and menopause
Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause can affect sexual desire.
Lower oestrogen levels can also contribute to vaginal dryness and discomfort, which can make sex less enjoyable or painful. These physical changes can then affect your desire for sex.
If you are experiencing changes in libido alongside other menopause symptoms, it can be helpful to speak with your GP or another appropriate healthcare professional about your options.
Medications and health conditions
Some medications can affect sexual desire. Antidepressants, particularly some SSRIs, are one example, although medications should never be stopped or changed without discussing this with the prescribing healthcare professional.
Health conditions can also affect sexual desire and sexual function.
If your libido has changed suddenly or significantly, particularly alongside other physical symptoms, it is worth speaking with your GP to explore whether there could be an underlying physical or medication-related cause.
Body image and self-confidence
The way you feel about your body can affect how comfortable you feel being intimate.
If you are worried about how your body looks, feel self-conscious during sex or find yourself comparing yourself with others, it can become difficult to relax and be present.
Anxiety, depression and emotional wellbeing
When you are experiencing anxiety, depression or ongoing emotional stress, sex may not feel like a priority.
You might feel emotionally flat, exhausted or disconnected from yourself, making it harder to experience desire.
Previous negative or unwanted sexual experiences
Past sexual experiences can also influence how someone feels about intimacy.
For some people, previous experiences of coercion, abuse, assault or other sexual difficulties may continue to affect feelings of safety, trust or desire.
If this is part of your experience, you deserve support that is sensitive to your individual circumstances.
In Aotearoa New Zealand, ACC's Sensitive Claims Service provides funded therapy and other support for people who have experienced sexual abuse or assault where the relevant criteria are met.
Is low libido the same as not being attracted to your partner?
Not necessarily.
This is a common worry when someone's sex drive changes.
You can love your partner and still experience low desire.
You can also be attracted to your partner but find that stress, tiredness, relationship difficulties, pain, hormonal changes or other factors are getting in the way of sexual intimacy.
Desire is influenced by much more than physical attraction.
It can also be helpful to understand that some people do not experience strong sexual desire spontaneously. Desire may develop after intimacy, affection, touch or sexual stimulation has started rather than appearing beforehand.
A lack of spontaneous desire does not necessarily mean that you are no longer attracted to your partner. ACOG notes that it can be normal not to feel desire until sexual activity has started.
When should you seek help for low libido?
You do not need to have a particular number of sexual encounters, or meet a specific definition of "low", before seeking support.
Consider talking to someone if:
Your change in libido is causing you distress
You are worried that something is wrong with you
Differences in desire are creating tension in your relationship
You are avoiding intimacy because you feel pressured
Sex has become a source of conflict
You have lost interest in something you previously enjoyed
You are experiencing pain or discomfort during sex
Your libido changed after starting medication
You are experiencing significant stress, anxiety or low mood
You are struggling with changes associated with pregnancy, parenting or menopause
A healthcare professional can help explore possible physical or medication-related causes, while counselling can provide space to explore emotional, psychological and relationship factors.
How can intimacy counselling help with low libido?
Counselling for low libido is not about trying to make you have more sex.
Instead, it can help you understand what may be getting in the way of desire and what you actually want from your intimate life.
Depending on your circumstances, counselling may explore:
Communication and sexual needs
You may find it difficult to tell your partner what you want, what you do not want, or what helps you feel comfortable.
Counselling can provide a space to practise having these conversations without blame or criticism.
Relationship connection
If unresolved conflict, resentment or emotional distance is affecting intimacy, relationship counselling can help you explore these patterns.
Pressure around sex
Sometimes attempts to solve a libido difference can unintentionally create more pressure.
Counselling can help couples talk about desire differences without turning sex into an obligation or a measure of whether someone loves their partner.
Body image and confidence
You can explore how your relationship with your body may be influencing your comfort, confidence and ability to be present during intimacy.
Anxiety and stress
Counselling can help you understand how stress, anxiety or emotional exhaustion may be affecting your interest in sex.
Past experiences
If previous sexual experiences are affecting intimacy, counselling can provide a safe space to explore these experiences at your own pace.
Depending on the situation, approaches may include individual counselling, couples counselling, relationship therapy or sex therapy. Evidence and clinical guidance support relationship counselling and sex therapy as potential components of addressing sexual difficulties, particularly where relationship factors are involved.
What happens in an intimacy counselling session?
Talking about sex with a counsellor for the first time can feel uncomfortable. You do not need to arrive knowing exactly what to say.
An initial session may explore:
What has changed in your sex drive
When you first noticed the change
How you feel about the change
Your relationship and emotional connection
Stress and other pressures in your life
How you communicate about sex
Any concerns about your body or self-confidence
Whether sex is painful or uncomfortable
Previous experiences that may be relevant
What you would like to be different
You are not expected to share anything before you feel ready.
Counselling should be a space where you can talk openly without being judged, pressured or told what your sex life "should" look like.
For couples, sessions may also provide an opportunity to understand each other's experiences and communicate about intimacy in a different way.
What if my partner has a higher sex drive than me?
Differences in sexual desire are common in relationships.
The challenge is often not simply that one person wants sex more frequently than the other. It is how the couple responds to the difference.
One partner may feel rejected, while the other may feel pressured.
Over time, this can create a cycle of:
Different levels of desire → pressure or rejection → frustration → emotional distance → less desire
Counselling can help couples step outside this cycle and talk about what is happening underneath it.
The goal is not necessarily to make both partners want the same amount of sex. It is to understand each other's needs and find ways of creating intimacy that feel consensual, comfortable and meaningful for both people.
Can counselling in New Zealand help with low libido?
Yes. If low libido is affecting your relationship, confidence or wellbeing, intimacy counselling in New Zealand can provide a confidential space to explore what is happening.
Counselling does not replace medical assessment. If you are concerned that hormones, medication, pain or another health condition may be contributing to changes in your libido, speaking with your GP or an appropriate healthcare professional is an important part of understanding the picture.
For many people, there may be several factors involved rather than one single cause.
Frequently Asked Questions About Low Libido
What is considered a low libido?
There is no single amount of sexual desire that is considered normal for everyone. Libido varies considerably between people and across different stages of life. It becomes more important to seek help when a change in desire is unwanted, causes distress or affects your relationship.
Why have I suddenly lost my sex drive?
A sudden change in libido can have many possible causes, including stress, relationship difficulties, emotional wellbeing, medication, hormonal changes, pregnancy, breastfeeding, menopause or physical health concerns.
Can stress cause low libido?
Yes. Ongoing stress, tiredness and emotional exhaustion can reduce interest in sex and make it harder to focus on intimacy.
Can low libido be caused by my relationship?
Relationship difficulties, unresolved conflict, poor communication, loss of connection and differences in sexual needs can all affect desire.
Can menopause cause low libido?
Yes. Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause can affect sexual desire, while vaginal dryness or discomfort can also make sex less appealing.
Can antidepressants cause low libido?
Some antidepressants, particularly certain SSRIs, can affect sexual desire. If you think your medication may be affecting your libido, speak with your prescribing healthcare professional rather than stopping medication yourself.
Can counselling help with low libido?
Counselling can help explore relationship, emotional, psychological and behavioural factors that may be affecting sexual desire. Depending on your circumstances, individual, couples or sex therapy may be appropriate.
Should I see a GP or a counsellor for low libido?
Sometimes both can be helpful. A GP or other healthcare professional can explore possible physical, hormonal or medication-related factors, while an intimacy counsellor can help you explore relationship, emotional and psychological factors.
How do I find therapy for low libido in NZ?
Look for a counsellor or therapist who has experience with relationships, intimacy and sexual concerns. You can ask about their experience with low desire, desire differences between partners, sexual communication and other concerns relevant to you.
You Don't Have to Figure Out Your Libido Alone
Low libido can be confusing, particularly when you cannot understand why you no longer feel the same way about sex.
It does not automatically mean that you have lost attraction to your partner, that something is wrong with your relationship or that there is something wrong with you.
Sometimes desire changes because life has changed.
Sometimes there are relationship issues that need attention. Sometimes there are physical or hormonal factors to explore. And sometimes it is a combination of several things.
You deserve the opportunity to understand what is happening rather than simply feeling guilty or pressured about it.
Intimacy Counselling provides relationship and intimacy counselling for individuals and couples who want support exploring sexual desire, communication, connection and intimacy.
If low libido is affecting your relationship or wellbeing, get in touch with Intimacy Counselling to book a confidential counselling session.
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