The “Sex Recession” in Relationships: What Does It Mean for Intimacy?
Discover what the “sex recession” means for relationships, what research says about intimacy and satisfaction, and how counselling can help couples reconnect.
Are couples having less sex than they used to?
For many couples, sex and intimacy can become harder to prioritise as life gets busier.
Work pressures, parenting, stress, tiredness, technology, relationship difficulties and simply getting through the demands of everyday life can gradually push intimacy further down the list.
You may still love your partner deeply. You may enjoy spending time together and consider your relationship strong. But perhaps sex has become less frequent - or has stopped altogether.
You might wonder:
Is this normal?
Does it matter if we aren't having sex?
Why don't I feel interested anymore?
Has something changed between us?
How do we get our intimacy back?
These questions are increasingly relevant as researchers report a long-term decline in sexual activity among adults in the United States - a trend that has been described as a “sex recession.”
Importantly, this doesn't mean that couples need to have sex more often to have a healthy relationship. There is no universal "right" amount of sex.
However, recent relationship research suggests that sexual connection and relationship satisfaction are often closely linked, particularly in long-term relationships.
For couples experiencing a loss of intimacy, understanding that connection can be an important starting point.
What is the “sex recession”?
The term “sex recession” has been used to describe a long-term decline in sexual activity among adults.
Recent analysis of the U.S. General Social Survey found that the proportion of adults aged 18–64 reporting sex at least once a week fell from approximately 55% in 1990 to around 37% in 2024.
This represents a substantial decline over several decades.
The figures are from the United States, rather than New Zealand, so they should not be interpreted as a direct measure of sexual behaviour among people in Aotearoa. However, they contribute to a wider international conversation about changing patterns of dating, relationships, intimacy and sexual behaviour.
Researchers and commentators have suggested a range of possible explanations for declining sexual activity, including changing patterns of relationship formation, increased screen time, stress, fatigue, economic pressures and less time spent in shared social activities.
The important point is that this isn't simply about people "not wanting sex anymore."
Sexual desire and behaviour are influenced by the wider context of people's lives.
What does the research say about sex and relationship satisfaction?
A particularly interesting study published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2025 looked at the relationship between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction. They identified different groups of couples based on sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction.
The largest group - approximately 86% of couples - were characterised by both relatively high relationship satisfaction and frequent sexual activity, with sex occurring just less than once a week on average.
At the other end of the spectrum, couples who reported infrequent sex were more likely to also report lower relationship satisfaction.
Interestingly, the researchers also found that happy couples with little or no sex do exist. They were simply much less common in this sample.
The findings therefore provide an important middle ground.
Sexual intimacy appears to be closely associated with relationship satisfaction for many couples, but sexual frequency alone does not determine whether a relationship is healthy or happy.
Does having more sex make a relationship happier?
Not necessarily.
This is one of the most important nuances when talking about the “sex recession.”
The 2025 study demonstrates an association between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction. It does not prove that having sex more frequently causes greater relationship satisfaction.
The relationship can work in multiple directions.
For example, feeling emotionally close, secure and connected may make sexual intimacy easier. At the same time, positive sexual experiences may help couples feel closer and more connected.
Other factors, such as communication, commitment, conflict, emotional intimacy and self-disclosure also matter.
In fact, the study found that couples who reported less conflict and higher levels of commitment and self-disclosure were more likely to belong to the group characterised by both high relationship satisfaction and frequent sex.
This is an important reminder that sex doesn't exist separately from the rest of a relationship.
When a lack of sex is really about something else
Sometimes couples come to counselling saying:
"We're not having sex anymore."
But as the conversation develops, it becomes clear that sex is only one part of the problem.
Perhaps you've stopped talking.
Maybe you're constantly arguing.
One partner feels rejected while the other feels pressured.
You might be exhausted from parenting.
There could be unresolved resentment from years of disagreements.
One person may feel emotionally disconnected and therefore doesn't feel sexual desire.
Or perhaps work and financial stress have left very little energy for intimacy.
In these situations, trying to simply "have more sex" may miss the bigger picture.
A decline in sexual intimacy can sometimes be a barometer of the relationship - reflecting changes in emotional connection, stress, communication or closeness.
That doesn't mean every couple experiencing less sex has a relationship problem. It means that changes in sexual intimacy can sometimes be worth exploring rather than simply treating the number of sexual encounters as the problem.
Why might desire decrease in a relationship?
There are many reasons sexual desire can change.
These can include:
Stress and exhaustion
Parenting and caring responsibilities
Work pressure
Relationship conflict
Feeling emotionally disconnected
Resentment or unresolved hurt
Body image concerns
Anxiety or low mood
Changes in physical health
Hormonal changes
Pregnancy and the postnatal period
Menopause or perimenopause
Medication side effects
Pain during sex
Differences in sexual desire between partners
Changes in attraction or relationship dynamics
Feeling pressured to have sex
Lack of privacy or time together
Major life transitions
Sometimes there is no single explanation.
Desire can naturally change throughout a relationship and across different stages of life.
What if one partner wants sex more than the other?
Differences in sexual desire are extremely common.
One partner may want sex more frequently, while the other may rarely feel spontaneous desire.
This can create a difficult cycle.
The higher-desire partner may feel rejected, undesirable or lonely.
The lower-desire partner may feel pressured, guilty or as though they are constantly disappointing their partner.
Over time, both people can become hurt.
The problem isn't necessarily that one person's desire is "normal" and the other's isn't.
Instead, the challenge may be how the couple manages their difference.
Counselling can provide a space to talk about these differences without turning the conversation into blame.
How can intimacy counselling help?
Intimacy counselling isn't simply about increasing how often a couple has sex.
It is about understanding the relationship between emotional connection, communication, desire and intimacy.
Reconnecting emotionally
For some couples, improving sexual intimacy begins outside the bedroom.
Counselling can help couples explore how emotionally connected they feel, what they miss about one another and what might be getting in the way of closeness.
Improving communication
Talking about sex can be surprisingly difficult.
You may worry about hurting your partner's feelings or being rejected.
A counsellor can help create a safer environment for conversations about desire, boundaries, expectations and needs.
Breaking the pressure–withdrawal cycle
When one person repeatedly asks for more intimacy and the other withdraws because they feel pressured, both partners can become increasingly frustrated.
Counselling can help couples understand this cycle and find different ways of responding.
Understanding desire
Many people expect sexual desire to appear spontaneously.
However, desire can be influenced by context, emotional connection, stress and opportunity.
Exploring how desire works for each person can help couples move away from the idea that something is "wrong" simply because desire doesn't always appear automatically.
Addressing unresolved relationship issues
Sometimes the barrier to intimacy is resentment, conflict or unresolved hurt.
Counselling can help couples work through these issues rather than trying to treat sexual intimacy in isolation.
Finding a definition of intimacy that works for you
Intimacy isn't only intercourse.
For different couples, intimacy might include affection, touching, kissing, emotional vulnerability, spending quality time together, sexual activity or simply feeling understood and wanted.
Counselling can help couples define what intimacy means for them, rather than measuring their relationship against someone else's expectations.
Does every couple need to have sex to be happy?
No.
There is no universal amount of sex that a relationship "should" have.
Some couples are genuinely happy with little or no sexual activity. The 2025 research supports this nuance: couples with high relationship satisfaction but low sexual activity were present, although they were relatively uncommon in the study sample.
What matters is whether both people are comfortable with their relationship and their level of intimacy.
A lack of sex becomes more concerning when one or both partners are unhappy about it, feel disconnected, experience ongoing conflict about it or feel unable to talk about what they need.
The goal of counselling isn't to make every couple have more sex.
The goal is to help couples understand what is happening and work towards a relationship that feels satisfying and authentic for both people.
When should you consider intimacy counselling?
You might benefit from counselling if:
You and your partner have stopped having sex and you're unhappy about it
You have very different levels of sexual desire
Sex has become a source of conflict
You feel rejected or pressured
You find it difficult to talk about sex
Emotional intimacy has decreased
You feel more like housemates than partners
You're avoiding physical affection
Resentment is affecting your relationship
You want to reconnect after having children
A major life change has affected your intimacy
You're unsure whether your relationship can recover its closeness
You don't have to wait until your relationship is in crisis.
Sometimes couples seek counselling simply because they want to understand each other better and prevent a growing distance from becoming a bigger problem.
What does intimacy counselling in New Zealand involve?
If you're looking for intimacy counselling in New Zealand, you may be wondering what actually happens in a session.
There isn't a single formula.
Counselling provides a confidential and non-judgemental environment where you can discuss your relationship, communication and intimacy concerns.
Your counsellor may help you explore patterns between you and your partner, understand each person's needs and identify practical ways to improve connection.
For couples in Aotearoa, cultural identity, family relationships, values and wider social context may also be important parts of understanding intimacy.
A culturally responsive approach recognises that relationships and intimacy don't exist in isolation from whānau, culture and community.
You don't need to solve your intimacy problems alone
If you've noticed that sex has become less frequent in your relationship, you're not necessarily experiencing something unusual.
Research suggests that sexual activity has declined substantially over recent decades in the United States, while recent relationship research shows a strong connection between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction for many couples.
But the answer isn't simply to focus on the number of times you're having sex.
For many couples, improving intimacy starts with something much more fundamental:
Feeling connected.
Feeling heard.
Feeling safe.
Being able to talk openly.
Having time together.
Understanding each other's needs.
And being able to discuss sex without blame, pressure or shame.
Take the next step with intimacy counselling
If you and your partner have been struggling with intimacy, communication or differences in sexual desire, you don't have to work it out on your own.
Intimacy Counselling NZ provides a supportive space for couples to explore relationship and intimacy concerns and work towards greater connection.
You don't need to know exactly what the problem is before you reach out.
Book an intimacy counselling session and start a conversation about what you both need from your relationship.
Frequently asked questions about intimacy and relationships
What is the “sex recession”?
The “sex recession” is a term used to describe a long-term decline in sexual activity among adults. U.S. General Social Survey data indicate that the proportion of adults aged 18–64 having sex at least weekly fell from around 55% in 1990 to around 37% in 2024.
These figures describe U.S. adults and should not be treated as New Zealand-specific data.
Are couples having less sex than they used to?
Large-scale U.S. survey data suggest that sexual frequency has declined substantially over recent decades. Researchers have proposed several possible contributing factors, including changes in relationships and social patterns, stress, economic pressures and increased time spent using digital technology.
How often should couples have sex?
There is no universally correct amount. What matters is whether both partners are comfortable and satisfied with their level of sexual intimacy.
A couple having sex once a week isn't automatically healthier than a couple having sex once a month — or a couple who don't have sex at all.
Does having sex once a week make couples happier?
Research has found an association between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction, but this doesn't mean that having sex once a week causes greater happiness.
A 2025 study of 2,101 couples found that the largest group reported both high relationship satisfaction and sex occurring just under once a week. However, the researchers also identified couples who were highly satisfied despite having little or no sex.
Can a relationship survive without sex?
Yes. Some couples are happy with little or no sexual activity.
The important question is whether both partners are comfortable with the situation. If one or both people are unhappy, lonely, rejected or disconnected, intimacy counselling can provide a space to explore what is happening.
Why has my partner stopped wanting sex?
There can be many reasons, including stress, tiredness, relationship conflict, emotional disconnection, physical health, hormonal changes, medication, pain, body image concerns or changes in desire.
It doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you.
Can counselling help with a low sex drive?
Counselling can help explore emotional, relationship and psychological factors that may be affecting desire. If there may also be physical or medical factors involved, speaking with your GP or another appropriate health professional can be important.
Can couples counselling help with a “dead bedroom”?
Yes. Couples experiencing a significant or prolonged loss of sexual intimacy can use counselling to explore communication, desire differences, emotional connection, conflict and expectations.
The goal isn't necessarily to increase sexual frequency but to understand what each person needs and work towards a mutually satisfying relationship.
Is the sex recession happening in New Zealand?
The commonly cited 55%-to-37% figures come from U.S. General Social Survey data, so they cannot be used to claim that the same decline has occurred in New Zealand.
However, the broader questions around changing sexual behaviour, relationships, technology, stress and intimacy are relevant to couples in Aotearoa too. New Zealand couples should be careful about comparing their relationships against overseas statistics or a perceived "normal" amount of sex.
What if my partner wants sex more often than I do?
Differences in desire are common. The key issue is how couples communicate about the difference.
If one person feels rejected and the other feels pressured, counselling can help you understand the cycle and find ways to discuss intimacy without blame or coercion.
Research cited
Johnson, M. D., Li, W., Impett, E. A., Lavner, J. A., Neyer, F. J., & Muise, A. (2025). How are sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction intertwined? A latent profile analysis of male-female couples. Journal of Family Psychology.