One of the things that I most commonly see in my practice is couples having the same fight over and over again; albeit with a different theme each time. Maybe one day Jack left the lid off the toothpaste which caused a huge fight, another time Melanie did not call Jack at lunch like she promised, or someone forgot to feed the cat again. The list of argument topics is endless and as a therapist, if I hashed out every argument with couples that they have, we would be there all day and get absolutely nowhere. I am not particularly interested in WHAT couples argue about as I am in HOW they argue. For all their complexity and mystery, humans are fairly predictable creatures. We all, consciously or unconsciously display patterns of behaviour that become engrained in us over time which is why behaviour becomes so much more difficult to modify with age. We become comfortable with the discomfort of the outcomes of our behaviours because the only thing worse for humans than pain is uncertainty. Even with destructive behaviours, we have certainty in the outcomes, because our self-sabotage becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, this brings us to the drama triangle. What is it and how do we get out of it?
The drama triangle is a model of interpersonal conflict first observed by psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Karpman in the 1960’s. Dr. Karpman theorised that all conflict is a grab for power, and we all have preferred maladaptive ways to attempt to reclaim that power in a time of conflict. In a nutshell, the triangle consists of 3 roles: the rescuer, the persecutor and the victim. We can cycle through these roles whilst in conflict but ultimately, we will have a preferred “seat” so to speak on the triangle. The caveat of this triangle is that both parties cannot have the same seat at any one time. So, we may “push” our partner into a position in the triangle that will get us the desired outcome.
Let’s use the example of Anna and Tom. Anna and Tom have been together for some time now and constantly come to therapy offering a “new” conflict that they have found themselves in. After a bit of digging, a pattern emerges. Anna attacks Tom for something that he forgot to do such as taking out the trash, Tom bites back and calls Anna a derogatory name, Anna cries and makes comments such as “see, you never cared about me in the first place!” which then leads to Tom comforting Anna and reassuring her of his love for her. The original argument about the trash is long forgotten and they are now feeling connected and loved. So, lets unpack what happened; Anna began from the starting place of a persecutor and potentially used tone or language that she unconsciously knew would trigger Tom. Tom, in retaliation tries to grab the power back, also leaps into the role of the persecutor and pushes Anna down into a victim role where she elicits pity and sympathy from Tom, thus ultimately pushing him down into the role of a rescuer to soothe her give her affirmation that she needed from the beginning. Now they are feeling connected, further solidifying that conflict is the way to create closeness and intimacy in their relationship. Now, if we rewind this interaction back further, Anna begins to identify that she wasn’t really angry that Tom didn’t take the trash out; what she was upset about was that yet again, she felt unheard and unseen in their relationship and the trash was a reminder that yet again, her requests fell on deaf ears. The anger that she then directed at Tom set off a chain of events, which unconsciously led them back to a place of closeness and affection that Anna was craving the whole time. You see, Anna and Tom have been together for several years and have a very good grasp each other’s patterns, reactions and responses. Subconsciously, Anna already knew that Tom would call her names if he was triggered. She also knew that he would feel very guilty afterwards and the reward for him behaving badly would be the kindness that he showed afterwards when he “rescued” her. The cycle will repeat over and over again until one of you steps outside of the drama triangle.
Does this dynamic sound familiar? Most of us at some point will fall into this trap of going around and around the same cycles until one or both parties decide that they’ve had enough. Why does it feel like we almost have these arguments on autopilot? Well, largely because we actually do. Imagine learning to ride a bike. You are focused, mindful and aware of every time that you wobble, you are aware of your surroundings, you are consciously in tune to every time that you push the pedal. Once you master this activity, you start doing it almost mindlessly because you are no longer in the learning phase of the process. Relationships are very much the same. We begin courtship with full awareness and an eagerness to learn about our partner. Everything is new and you absorb new information like a sponge. But over time, this becomes exhausting. We cannot be perpetually in “learning mode” otherwise we fry our processors, so to speak. So, we rely on memory of learnt behaviours to relate to our partner which is why long-term relationships can become monotonous, predictable and repetitive. If we go back to Anna and Tom, they’ve had this argument in one form or another a million times. They both know the outcome of conflicts and the ultimate goal is connection, however the ruptures that they create along the way are doing more harm than good to their relationship. So, what is the antidote? Well, a good start is developing self-awareness to understand your needs and articulating them directly which opens the door for vulnerability and connection. Once you have established a space where it is safe to share these needs in the relationship, you and your spouse create a “learning” arena where you are not functioning from the unconscious; you are now operating from a conscious place of learning new information from your partner in order to move towards resolve and closeness.
I will finish of this article on a quote which I am sure most of you have heard before; You can be right, or you can be married. My challenge to you is to start opening up these pockets of “safe space” in your relationship in order to start learning and getting curious about your partners needs and desires to minimise the chances of falling into the same conflict traps over and over again. Remember, a relationship is not a competition, it is a partnership dance which requires both people to be in sync and attuned to one another to move towards a common goal.