Desire Discrepancy
-One partner will always have a higher sex drive than the other, to some extent.
-The partner with lower desire feels pressured while the partner with higher desire feels undesirable. Both lead to resentment.
-Some people want sex to feel connected, other people want to feel connected before they want sex.
-It is helpful to try and see things through your partner’s perspective, become less polarized and take a ‘we’ approach.
-Desire is affected by many things; stress, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, physical health, resentment, unhealthy conflict, unresolved issues, porn use.
-It is important to work on intimacy to bring back desire.
For the Higher Desire Partner;
Know your partner. Know how they like to be approached for sex. Make sure you know what and how they like sexual activities. The better you are at being involved in your partner’s sexual satisfaction the more likely they are to want to be involved in sexual activity.
Be flexible; with time, with where, and with how. The more you are willing to compromise the better off you will both be.
Lower your expectations. Don’t expect your partner to fulfill all your needs. You will never have the same sex drive.
Take care of some of your own needs. Masturbate. Exercise. Spend time with friends. Take care of your own mental and emotional health.
Don’t take things personally. Desire is affected by so many factors. It does not mean your partner does not love you or find you attractive.
Give your partner a chance to grow their own desire. If you initiate all the time when would your partner need to? Give them space to find their own sexual voice.
For the Lower Desire Partner;
Don’t wait to feel desire. Most people enjoy sex once they are having it. Use continuous foreplay until there is desire.
Take responsibility for your own desire. It’s not your partners job to turn you on constantly. Wear sexy clothes, kiss more, read sexy stories. Create your desire and initiate erotic activities.
Pay attention to your own and your partners cues. They may feel too reject to keep initiating. If they give you a cue they are aroused follow through with them at times. If you feel they slightest tinge then follow through on it.
Learn about yourself. Are you more aroused at certain times of the month, or time of the day?
Masturbate more. The more sex/orgasms you have the more you will want.
Make the time to make love. Life is stressful and busy. You need to carve out times to be intimate.
Take a positive attitude. Being willing to satisfy your own and your partners sexual needs shows that you are a loving and giving partner. Sex will also increase love and attachment chemicals and hormones. It will benefit your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, and benefit your relationship.