New Zealand Woman's Weekly November 2016
https://www.nowtolove.co.nz/lifestyle/sex-relationships/marriage-counsellor-i-help-couples-in-crisis-18752
Marriage counsellor: I help couples in crisis
Pornography is by far one of the biggest problems facing society right now.
NOV 11, 2016 12:55PM
Angela Rennie (40) is an intimacy counsellor.
"I’ve always taken a holistic view of life and I focus a lot on living well, eating well and getting plenty of exercise because I believe these are all vital to our wellbeing – as is intimacy.
I was very lucky to grow up with open-minded parents who were frank and honest about sexuality, so I have always seen it as a normal and important part of life.
I have four psychology degrees and I want to use them to help people who are struggling for any reason.
Many people who have problems with intimacy don’t talk about it because they don’t know how. I teach them how to open the lines of communication.
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Some people come on their own, others as couples. They’re often nervous but when they arrive at my home and my cosy counselling room, they usually relax.
There’s no typical couple or typical problem. I get empty-nesters who suddenly realise that they don’t really know each other any more and I guide them in reconnecting. That can be very satisfying.
Then I have cases where one has had an affair and they’re either trying to rebuild things or break up in a way that’s as stress-free as possible.
I see women who have discovered their partners cross-dressing. I try and reassure them that this isn’t necessarily a sign of gender confusion.
I also talk to people whose partners use prostitutes and assist them in dealing with the fallout – especially the sense of betrayal that comes with such a discovery.
I’m afraid there are some pretty grim statistics behind the work I do and many of my clients have been sexually abused. I have to say a lot of that comes down to pornography, which is by far one of the biggest problems facing society right now.
The Auckland counsellor has four psychology degrees and has put them to good use.
It has normalised violent sex and it’s often accessed by people who think that it must be real life which, of course, it isn’t. It’s giving young men an expectation of behaviour that isn’t healthy – then young women feel that they have to act accordingly.
The thing is, it isn’t only kids seeing this sort of stuff online. A huge number of older men – and probably some women too – have also become addicted to pornography. They need more and more extreme examples to satisfy themselves. This can impact badly on real-life relationships and ironically men often end up with erectile dysfunction because of the pressure they feel to perform.
It takes a while but it is possible to change this behaviour and help the person find new, healthier ways of expressing him or herself. They need to turn from the computer back to real, live people and reconnect.
Medical reasons can also be behind sexual difficulties, so then we talk about finding other forms of intimacy.
Angela’s gorgeous girls Isabella (Right) and Aleigha are both proud of their mum’s work.
My two daughters, Aleigha (21) and Isabella (9), both know what I do. We’re very direct about the way we discuss things at home and they know how to avoid undesirable situations.
When I’m not seeing clients, I work in schools helping them target their sex education effectively. The average age of a child searching for pornography is 12 and 97 per cent of the material they see is violent. That really scares me.
I follow Buddhism and concentrate on being mindful, trying to establish positive thought patterns. I love my children, my dogs and doing yoga.
The practising Buddhist with her dog Jax.
I live near a bowling club and it’s a great spot for socialising. I once asked an old man there what was the secret of his long, happy marriage.
He told me in his day, once you married, you knew it was forever and worked hard on making it a success. I want people to feel comfortable seeking help from somebody like me before simply packing in an ailing relationship.
I’ve had some wonderful counsellors myself and we sex therapists keep in touch, meeting once a month to offer each other advice.
In case you’re wondering, I am currently in a fairly new relationship. It’s going well so far and we’re both having a lot of fun. Just because I’m in this line of work doesn’t mean that I know all the answers – I have to work at enjoying satisfying intimacy too!”
Quick fire
What moves me to tears...
The pain of other people and animals.
I am reading...
The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, plus Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.
I hope I am remembered for...
Helping others to live happier and more fulfilling lives. Hopefully, the work I do helps normalise reaching out for help.
As told to Louise Richardson
Building Intimacy
When physical intimacy is going wrong it can be helpful to take it off the table while you work on your non sexual intimacy.
-Listen without interrupting; don’t try and solve your partners issues. Just listen and be there.
-Be supportive; what does support look like to your partner? Know this and display those behaviours.
-Show physical affection; kiss, hug, and cuddle up. It releases hormones and chemicals that create bonds, affection, and physical and mental well-being. Without these you will feel like flat mates.
-Show public affection; you don’t have to start making out in public. An arm around your partner or holding their hand shows you are proud to be with them.
-Surprise them; with little gifts, things they want to do, flowers etc. It shows you have been listening to them and thinking about them when apart. It is the thought, not the money spent, that is important.
-Have contact throughout the day; send them the odd text or call just to say hi. It will make it easier to connect at other times.
-Greet each other warmly when you first see each other. Studies show it sets the tone for the rest of the day together.
-Words; ‘I love you’, appreciations and compliments go a long way.
-Take them on dates; unless you are having fun and relaxing times together all you are doing together is the stress of life.
-Have fun with them; be silly, laugh, joke, and do exciting things.
-Be respectful; feeling respected by our partner allows us to feel safe to be close to them.
-Be forgiving; don’t hold on to pass hurt. We all make mistakes. Do the work you need to be able to move forward.
-Let go of resentment; resentment will kill intimacy between you.
-Don’t make small issues big; life throws enough at us so don’t sweat small things. 70 % of conflicts never get solve. Save the hard work for when you really need it.
-Fight fair; criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling all make you an unsafe place. Learn to fight fair, without causing more pain.
-Have meaningful conversations; talk about goals, hopes, dreams, pains, fears and anxieties. This will help you stay connected. Mental and emotional intimacy is just as important as physical. Some people want to feel close to have sex and others want to have sex to feel close. Don’t have a stand off in your relationship.
-Massage; by massaging each other and giving feedback you will be more comfortable talking about physical touch with each other.
-Lighten their load in life by being helpful. Do some of the chores they usually do, make them a cup of tea or dinner. Help them in some way. It will speak volumes and help to reduce their stress.
-Know what your partners wants, and needs are in a relationship. Then try and meet them.
-Make self-care your number one priority; you need to do things that are fun and lower your stress levels every day. Without putting your self first, you are not as effective as a partner or parent.
Desire in Relationships
Desire Discrepancy
-One partner will always have a higher sex drive than the other, to some extent.
-The partner with lower desire feels pressured while the partner with higher desire feels undesirable. Both lead to resentment.
-Some people want sex to feel connected, other people want to feel connected before they want sex.
-It is helpful to try and see things through your partner’s perspective, become less polarized and take a ‘we’ approach.
-Desire is affected by many things; stress, anxiety, depression, self-esteem, physical health, resentment, unhealthy conflict, unresolved issues, porn use.
-It is important to work on intimacy to bring back desire.
For the Higher Desire Partner;
Know your partner. Know how they like to be approached for sex. Make sure you know what and how they like sexual activities. The better you are at being involved in your partner’s sexual satisfaction the more likely they are to want to be involved in sexual activity.
Be flexible; with time, with where, and with how. The more you are willing to compromise the better off you will both be.
Lower your expectations. Don’t expect your partner to fulfill all your needs. You will never have the same sex drive.
Take care of some of your own needs. Masturbate. Exercise. Spend time with friends. Take care of your own mental and emotional health.
Don’t take things personally. Desire is affected by so many factors. It does not mean your partner does not love you or find you attractive.
Give your partner a chance to grow their own desire. If you initiate all the time when would your partner need to? Give them space to find their own sexual voice.
For the Lower Desire Partner;
Don’t wait to feel desire. Most people enjoy sex once they are having it. Use continuous foreplay until there is desire.
Take responsibility for your own desire. It’s not your partners job to turn you on constantly. Wear sexy clothes, kiss more, read sexy stories. Create your desire and initiate erotic activities.
Pay attention to your own and your partners cues. They may feel too reject to keep initiating. If they give you a cue they are aroused follow through with them at times. If you feel they slightest tinge then follow through on it.
Learn about yourself. Are you more aroused at certain times of the month, or time of the day?
Masturbate more. The more sex/orgasms you have the more you will want.
Make the time to make love. Life is stressful and busy. You need to carve out times to be intimate.
Take a positive attitude. Being willing to satisfy your own and your partners sexual needs shows that you are a loving and giving partner. Sex will also increase love and attachment chemicals and hormones. It will benefit your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, and benefit your relationship.
Are You Really Ready to Say I Do? Article for New Zealand Weddings Magazine
Are You Really Ready To Say 'I Do'?
Marriage is both an honour and a much-considered commitment. Are you and your partner truly ready to take the next (exciting) step in your relationship?
Those two words, 'I do', should remain the focus of your day throughout your wedding planning process. While hosting a party for your nearest and dearest is certainly the icing on the cake, your journey as a couple to this point, and your future wishes and plans together, is ultimately what your wedding day is about.
Angela Rennie of Intimacy Counselling suggests we consider the following nine questions before starting any big-day planning:
ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?
Are you being realistic about marriage? A good relationship takes constant effort and there will be tough times. Life and relationships are not always a fairytale; we often have issues that prevent us from having healthy relationships and cause us to be attracted to the wrong people, or get into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Another person can’t save you or rescue you. You need to be in a good place inside yourself and have worked through past pain to a certain point.
ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT PLACES STRAIN ON A MARRIAGE?
The first year of marriage is often extremely tough. Once the wedding is over, it seems the romance has gone and ‘life’ (with all its ups, downs and stresses) sets in. It can be a bit of a downer after all the excitement and build-up of a wedding.
It’s important to remember that the wedding is just one (hopefully amazing) day, but what your marriage will really be built on is how you manage life together daily.
Children also place a huge strain on a relationship. It is one of the hardest things you will face as a couple. You need to be prepared for hormones, lack of sleep, no ‘you’ time etc and you need to know how to stay connected through it all. Staying connected is easy at the start of a relationship but life can quickly get in the way.
DO YOU HAVE THE SKILLS AND KNOWLEDGE YOU NEED TO MAKE THIS WORK?
Relationships are often sweet at the start and sour at the end. It takes constant effort to keep things on track. Do you know what to do to maintain love, affection, appreciation, and intimacy? We aren’t taught these things in school, our parents often don’t know these things and we don’t learn these skills from them. Our relationship histories are often not enough to teach us new skills.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO BE FAIR, AND TO MANAGE DIFFERENCES AND CONFLICT?
Criticism, contempt, and stonewalling are predicted to end relationships. Blame and excuses get you nowhere. You need to keep working as a team and you need to keep communicating. Do you know how to repair conflict? You both need to be open and receptive to each other’s attempts to repair conflict, otherwise it will never be resolved. You need to learn how to face conflict with a team mentality, listen carefully to your partner’s perspective and show empathy and understanding towards them.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S WANTS AND NEEDS FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
It is important to not only know these but to constantly do your best to meet them. If you continue do this for each other you will happier, more connected and feel appreciated.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S LOVE LANGUAGE?
Do you know what you do that makes them feel loved? We are often very good at making our partners feel loved at the start of the relationship, but over time people often start feeling unloved. Every person’s languages of love are different. You need to know what they are so you become aware of maintaining them throughout your marriage.
HAVE YOU DISCUSSED HOW YOU WILL MANAGE DIFFERENCES?
How you will manage differences in religion, culture, age, raising children, money and goals? Too often people are so in love they forget to talk about the realities of life. They feel blindsided when their partner’s views are completely different to theirs. These areas can cause major conflict and end many relationships.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER WELL ENOUGH?
At the start of a relationship we often present the best version of ourselves, or we pretend to be the person we wish we were. After time our partners often get the worst version of us. Have you known them long enough or are they still presenting you with a version they want you to see? Are you seeing the reality of who they are or the ideal of who you want them to be? Have you met their family and friends to help collaborate who they are with who they show you they are?
DO YOU COMMUNICATE WELL REGARDING INTIMACY?
Sex is a small part of a relationship when it is going well but a much larger part when it isn’t. You are going to have different sex drives and different wants and needs sexually. A healthy sex life reduces stress, anxiety and depression. It has multiple other health benefits such as heart disease prevention; it also releases chemicals that keep you connected and make you feel more positive and affectionate towards each other.
Connect with Angela at Intimacy Counselling's Facebook page.